Monday, May 2, 2011

It's Not Always Easy

I have become an expert at putting on a happy face and pretending that everything is ok. That is not to say I am not happy in life and things are going well. I am working at my dream job, in a relationship with the most amazing man, have the cutest puppy and my life is pretty amazing. But there are times when I do put on that face and I don’t let people see the negative behind the scenes.

My boyfriend does porn. This is no surprise to anyone in my life, I don’t hide it. I am not ashamed of him for it or love him any less. He is the most wonderful man I know and I am truly lucky to have him in my life. I knew the situation when we started dating; it was because of porn we met. I knew I could handle the situation and we talked about it and how things would work. It is not a career choice for him; he has a regular 9-5 job that he plans to make a career out of. It is just a hobby.

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I get asked all the time how it is to be in a situation like this. How do I handle it and do I get jealous. The questions never end. Honestly it can get annoying being asked so many times about it. But I always answer with a smile on my face and tell them it’s not a big deal and it is only work. That it never bothers me. When they truth is yes it sometimes can bother me, I am only human. When it comes down to it, a lot of it has to do with my own insecurities.

In the beginning when we started dating and it wasn’t serious yet it was super easy to handle. But then you fall in love with someone. You move in with each other and talk future and marriage and a family. You start to think about your life and how you are more invested in this person. There is more to lose then there was before.


90% of the time dealing with it is a piece of cake. But like I said sometimes it can be hard and it gets to me. It’s hard to work in this business and not compare yourself to all the girls; that can be really hard on a girl’s self-esteem. When he goes to work with some of these girls I get self-conscious and think in the back of my head what happens if he likes her better than me. What if she is prettier and in better shape? There are many girls out there who are physically better than me and he works with them on set.

I have also dealt with girls not respecting the fact that he has a girlfriend he goes home to. I know he flirts with girls; I flirt with guys sometimes too. But sometimes girls don’t take it just as flirting and want to try stuff. Or they completely know about me and have met me and don’t care. I have no respect for women like that. If we had an open relationship that would be on thing but we don’t. Really ladies, how many naked pictures must you send my boyfriend? You aren’t going to get anywhere with it. I see them when they pop up on his phone when he gets them, doesn’t make a girl feel good. Some of the things I have heard girls say to him I would never even think about saying to someone who had a girlfriend. To me that totally crosses a line. Maybe my morals are just different.

I try not to think about it. I don’t watch his scenes or anything like that. He knows not to put it in my face; he is very respectful about that. I will ask him how his day was and how things went. He doesn’t give me details, which is fine by me because I don’t want to know. I have and always will be supportive of what he wants to do. As long as he wants to do porn I will support him.

For the record I do not hate the fact that Brian does porn. If he never did porn we would have never met. I would never demand him to stop doing it. I am not that type of person; he can do what he wants with his life. I will never love him any less for it. We are perfectly fine as a couple and this would never end us. I still think of it as only work for him and so does he. Most of the time I hardly think about it. But I won’t lie that sometimes it can be hard on me.

In the end I know he loves me and he tells me all the time. He tells me I am the only one for him and that will never change. I know this is true and I need to get over my fears but it is not something that happens overnight. He knows on days that he does scenes I might need an extra kiss or an extra “I love you.” He can tell on the days that it bugs me and gets to me. I have always been very self-conscious and I am working on it. But in the end, none of it all really matters to me. All that matters is I continue to have this wonderful man in my life that is meant for me in every way.


16 comments:

Lily said...

I like your honesty Lucy, it has made some of your most memorable posts.

But I don't ever want to read you write about anyone as "physically better than" you ever again. "Better" is subjective and you are a beautiful, NATURAL, strong, and intelligent women. Its no secret your industry places a great value on the appearance of women, but don't you ever forget the special and unique place of value you've achieved. People care about what you have to say, and respect your opinions. I've fought my whole life for people to pay attention to my mind and not the way I look. Be proud of your rare and very special position within your industry.

No judgments, but the career of a woman performer is based on cultivating other's desire in their bodies, sometimes changing themselves to better suit the desires of others. You have commanded the respect of your readers with YOUR ideas. You've said FUCK YOU to conventional notions about how female sexual beings should act and speak. You have power to define your sexuality as you see it, and THAT is sexy, not to mention liberating beyond any level of pole dancing abilities.

You have the power to influence people's minds, not just provide them with something to jack off to. If that's not "better" than the position many women are in, I'm not sure what is.


(my apologies if I offend any women in the industry with my comments, that wasn't my intention.)

stephanie said...

i love you lucy. <3 roomie steph

Anonymous said...

Does he tell you that you are the only one before or after he does a gangbang scene.

joan said...

as usual anonymous is an ass.
I agree with every thing Lily said and I think you are supremely beautiful in all ways and never compare yourself to anyone because you are unique and there is no one like you, as exceptional as you are.

Anonymous said...

FYI: Lilly and Joan banged ur boyfriend too. You influence my mind on the right dildo to buy. World peace must be just around the corner.

Lily said...

Anonymous? 1) Lily and Joan are Lucy's sister and mother you creep.
2) Clearly you need to find another blog to read, because this one goes over your head.
3) Please seriously educate yourself or stop commenting. I feel like I'm getting dumber every time I read one of your comments.

Anonymous said...

Lol, my apologies. I thought stalk Lucy so I don't her family tree. But still my point is still valid and her family should straigten her out. She has alot of talent and she going out with a guy that his "hobby" is porn. In a industry that is great but believes it's talented am famous, and is neither. Also, the industry test for HIV but herpes is a gift that keeps on giving. Not saying that he has any STD but it may be possible and it is not tested for in porn and he goes in bare back. Ask belladonna and Bridget the midget, both publically admit getting STDs.

Anonymous said...

Lol, my apologies. I thought stalk Lucy so I don't her family tree. But still my point is still valid and her family should straigten her out. She has alot of talent and she going out with a guy that his "hobby" is porn. In a industry that is great but believes it's talented am famous, and is neither. Also, the industry test for HIV but herpes is a gift that keeps on giving. Not saying that he has any STD but it may be possible and it is not tested for in porn and he goes in bare back. Ask belladonna and Bridget the midget, both publically admit getting STDs.

Anonymous said...

everything about this whole thing is gross.

you deserve what you get.

Anonymous said...

I didnt believe Brian.....wow

Lucy Vonne said...

I'm so tired of people hiding behind anonymous postings with their disrespectful comments. From now on anonymous comments are no longer allowed. Have some balls and show me who you really are if you want to say those things.

Eaton said...

Your last comment is a bit naive. Almost as naive as believing that doing porn is a hobby.

Valentijn said...

I don't know if animals are capable of using a computer and a keyboard, but if so, Anonymous must be a pig -- without a doubt!

Lucy, I really appreciate your honesty, certainly with all those kids responding with negative bullshit.

I can only imagine how it must feel, as my partner isn't a porn actress. But, I get the insecurities that come with it. Just know that you are Brian's partner, and not his co-actress! Porn is lust, and what you've guys got is called love :)

?uestion said...

It's awesome that you can respect what he does and can support him for it. I do agree with Lily on the point about feeling inadequate though. I can say as a guy, that no matter what any other girl looks like, or does, it really doesn't matter. When you care about someone (some people-see ploy) they are the ones that matter a the end of the day. All seeing another girl does is make us miss you more. :)

Tess said...

Lucy, as usual I'm late to this party but so glad to see you saying you're not allowing those negative bullshit anon comments.

I'm so with Lily, I look at you and think damn, she's beautiful and in great shape, and I hope you see yourself that way. But I know even when we feel great about ourselves 95% of the time, doubt creeps in in that other 5% because we're human.

Loving a doctor, who races out of the house for emergencies at the drop of a hat, isn't easy. Every profession has its drawbacks and porn surely has more than others, but it is what brought you together and from everything I've heard and seen, you two are pretty perfect for each other.

Wishing you much love.
Tess

Dangerous Lilly said...

Another late comment.

Physical attraction isn't the be-all end-all, and deep down I know you know that. Some of his co-stars might be pretty in a different way than you, but if he's comparing looks then there's a big problem. And I don't believe that he is. YOU are. We all do it ;)

I was at the SBC party in 2009 and did not know you at all. I saw you standing across the room and was immediately blown away at your beauty and your "presence" which both intimidated the fuck out of me and so I never introduced myself. :)

What do you think is worse: Dating a porn star who just fucks women, or dating an actor who might have to pretend to be in love with someone during production of a movie/tv show but never has to have intercourse with them for their job?