Friday, May 27, 2011


*Before you read this you should know in no way is this a personal stab at my relationship with Brian. This is about all my past relationships and honesty in general.

There are many things you need in a relationship to make it work. One of the most important things is honesty. Honesty to me can make or break a relationship. It can bring out the best in people and it can bring out the worst. Honesty can change your opinion of someone in a matter of seconds. To me, without honesty in a relationship you will never last.

Honesty in my past relationships have been shitty. I have been hurt and lied to way too many times. I have been lied to about cheating and lied to about drugs, to mention a few, but those are the big ones. I was not getting honest answers to my questions about these matters when I asked. All I wanted was the truth. It’s frustrating when you asking someone for the answer and you already know the truth and they lie to you.

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My mistake was believing after them being honest with me that they would continue being honest. But that was never the case. Again I would be lied to and hurt. After awhile you finally learn it will never end and change and move on. Because of my past relationships it is hard for me to trust someone again after they have hurt me. It takes a really long time for that trust to be restored. I believe because of what has happened in the past that it will happen again.

It’s really hard when someone has lied a few times about the same thing or wasn’t completely honest over and over. So if before you told me you were going to be honest from now on and then surprise surprise you lied, how am I supposed to believe you this time when you say you are going to be honest from now on? It fucks with my mind and that’s not the way to get me to trust you. You can’t get mad at me when I question things and have doubts; you only have yourself to blame.

The reality is I would rather someone be honest with me and hurt me than lie to me. You are only hurting me more by not being honest. Let me decide what I want to do with the information, don’t you decide for me. It’s even worse if you are dishonest with me about something and I soon find out on my own the truth, then I am hurt even more. Shit doesn’t stay hidden no matter how hard you try. The truth comes out eventually.

For me it seems every relationship I fall into I have issues with honesty. Whether it’s not happening when it should be or I am not sure if I believe what is going on is honest. But I am always honest with the people that I love. I give them that respect because I expect and deserve the same behavior. Don’t make promises about this to make me happy if you don’t expect to keep them, which only causes more hurt.

Relationships can be tough. Every day they are growing and changing, sometimes good and sometimes bad. But I fully believe to make it and have a strong bond there needs to be complete honesty. I am always completely honest with my now boyfriend, I only hope he does the same. We always tell each other everything and what’s going on in our lives.

I don’t know how some people do it. If I were not truthful to someone I loved it would eat me alive. I would feel awful. I don’t care what it is about; knowing that I was hurting someone I love would make me sick inside.

My advice is to just lay everything on the table, good or bad. You don’t know how the other person may react. They may think your thoughts and ideas are something they want to partake in. But don’t ever keep them from your partner that does no good. Whatever the matter is just put it out there. In the end honesty may make or break any relationship.


Monday, May 2, 2011

It's Not Always Easy

I have become an expert at putting on a happy face and pretending that everything is ok. That is not to say I am not happy in life and things are going well. I am working at my dream job, in a relationship with the most amazing man, have the cutest puppy and my life is pretty amazing. But there are times when I do put on that face and I don’t let people see the negative behind the scenes.

My boyfriend does porn. This is no surprise to anyone in my life, I don’t hide it. I am not ashamed of him for it or love him any less. He is the most wonderful man I know and I am truly lucky to have him in my life. I knew the situation when we started dating; it was because of porn we met. I knew I could handle the situation and we talked about it and how things would work. It is not a career choice for him; he has a regular 9-5 job that he plans to make a career out of. It is just a hobby.

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I get asked all the time how it is to be in a situation like this. How do I handle it and do I get jealous. The questions never end. Honestly it can get annoying being asked so many times about it. But I always answer with a smile on my face and tell them it’s not a big deal and it is only work. That it never bothers me. When they truth is yes it sometimes can bother me, I am only human. When it comes down to it, a lot of it has to do with my own insecurities.

In the beginning when we started dating and it wasn’t serious yet it was super easy to handle. But then you fall in love with someone. You move in with each other and talk future and marriage and a family. You start to think about your life and how you are more invested in this person. There is more to lose then there was before.

90% of the time dealing with it is a piece of cake. But like I said sometimes it can be hard and it gets to me. It’s hard to work in this business and not compare yourself to all the girls; that can be really hard on a girl’s self-esteem. When he goes to work with some of these girls I get self-conscious and think in the back of my head what happens if he likes her better than me. What if she is prettier and in better shape? There are many girls out there who are physically better than me and he works with them on set.

I have also dealt with girls not respecting the fact that he has a girlfriend he goes home to. I know he flirts with girls; I flirt with guys sometimes too. But sometimes girls don’t take it just as flirting and want to try stuff. Or they completely know about me and have met me and don’t care. I have no respect for women like that. If we had an open relationship that would be on thing but we don’t. Really ladies, how many naked pictures must you send my boyfriend? You aren’t going to get anywhere with it. I see them when they pop up on his phone when he gets them, doesn’t make a girl feel good. Some of the things I have heard girls say to him I would never even think about saying to someone who had a girlfriend. To me that totally crosses a line. Maybe my morals are just different.

I try not to think about it. I don’t watch his scenes or anything like that. He knows not to put it in my face; he is very respectful about that. I will ask him how his day was and how things went. He doesn’t give me details, which is fine by me because I don’t want to know. I have and always will be supportive of what he wants to do. As long as he wants to do porn I will support him.

For the record I do not hate the fact that Brian does porn. If he never did porn we would have never met. I would never demand him to stop doing it. I am not that type of person; he can do what he wants with his life. I will never love him any less for it. We are perfectly fine as a couple and this would never end us. I still think of it as only work for him and so does he. Most of the time I hardly think about it. But I won’t lie that sometimes it can be hard on me.

In the end I know he loves me and he tells me all the time. He tells me I am the only one for him and that will never change. I know this is true and I need to get over my fears but it is not something that happens overnight. He knows on days that he does scenes I might need an extra kiss or an extra “I love you.” He can tell on the days that it bugs me and gets to me. I have always been very self-conscious and I am working on it. But in the end, none of it all really matters to me. All that matters is I continue to have this wonderful man in my life that is meant for me in every way.