Friday, July 31, 2009

Oui Personal Pleasure Massager


Vibrators that fit in the palm of your hand are very ideal these days. They aren't too bulky to play with, easy to hold during sex and most of the time people don't know what it is because it's not the normal vibrator shape. That is what comes to mind when I think of the Oui Personal Pleasure Massager. It's the shape of a cresent but I think it looks like a pair of lips. A small tiny vibe that fits in the palm of your hand and is ready to please. It has a high gloss finish and a one touch turn on button.

I wasn't too impressed with this toy. While it had a decent vibration to it I still needed more, it just wasn't strong enough for me. It only takes one AAA battery so it doesn't produce too much power. But if you don't need a jack hammer on your clit then this may just do the trick. I do like the fact that it is small and fits in the palm of your hand. However the shape just didn't really work with my body. It's really flat and only about 2/8 cm thick and 3 in long. I tried rubbing the edge on my clit which would have been good if it was strong enough. I then tried laying it flat on my clit and seeing how that worked. It didn't work the way I hoped it would. If the shape was just a little curved it would have fit right on up in there.

This toy was not for me but that doesn't mean it was a bad toy. Because you all know I will tell you if the toy is bad and will not work for anyone. It also only has one speed which like I said before isn't super strong. So if you think you may need more of a variety I would go with something else. But overall if you are looking for something tiny and inexpensive that people won't think is a vibrator and simple you might have found your match.


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Thursday, July 30, 2009

Edible Crotchless Gummy Panties


I have such a sweet tooth. While at work the other day I wanted something sweet and decided to snack on the editable gummy panties that we carry. They come in a few flavors but I went for the green apple because that is my favorite. I have never taken these things seriously and I was even more convinced of that when I opened them up.

First of all I would not think putting a giant green gummy triangle on my vagina would be sexy. You have to put the panties together yourself. They give you two strings of elastic you must tie together and around the gummy piece. That is too much work for me, I want them ready to go. They were a thick stiff gummy and weren't too squishy. I went in for the kill and took a bite. It was like a really thick fruit roll up. Like how when you take a bite of it and it doesn't give right away and it stretches out. It has a nice flavor to it but it wasn't very strong.

I would not actually want to put this anywhere near my vagina. First of all when you lick it, it gets gooey and sticky. I don't know about you but I'm not a fan of gooey gummy stuff near my lady parts. Plus with the sugar involved that is just a yeast infection waiting to happen. Think of how much fun it will be trying to pull it off too if it gets too sticky. I stuck it on my arm to see how it would deal with hair and it pulled a few of my arm hairs out when I pulled it off. Now just imagine that situation with pubic hair, no thank you. But on the plus side they are low carb.

These are fun to give as a gag gift but not something I would suggest really using. I mean you could but if you do I think it's only fair that the guys wears a pair too.

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Tuesday, July 28, 2009

So Horny Candle Smells Like My Childhood



You are probably boggled that I would use "horny" and "childhood" in the same sentence. Or you are thinking that sounds about right. Pheromones are chemical signals that trigger a natural response in another member of the same species. In humans it's more of a natural scent that comes from the body. You can buy perfumes or lotions to bring out the smell of pheromones in your body. They also have candles that smell certain ways to make your body react to them and perform or feel a particular way. Some get you in the mood, some may give you energy or some may remind you of your childhood when it should really be making your horny. We have a bunch of these candles at work and after seeing if they actually smelled good, which most of them didn't, I found one that brought me back to 1988. Of course it was the So Horny candle that did this to me.

Now don't worry I wasn't a 4 year old involved in some crazy sex orgies with pretend air lube instead of having tea parties with pretend air tea. I was a typical little girl who loved dress up and playing with dolls. One of my favorite dolls when I was little was part of the Merry Muffin Dolls line. Her name was Cherry Merry Muffin and was the blond one of the bunch with a pink dress. She also came with a little sidekick shaped as a cherry and a tray of muffins that you could pretend to bake.



As you can probably guess by now Cherry Merry Muffin and her extras were scented to make you think you were really making cherry muffins. Which is exactly how the So Horny candle smells. I'm so excited I found this candle because the minute I smell it, it takes me back to when I was little and didn't have a care in the world. When I tell people about my candle find they aren't surprised at all. I wonder if the reason I turned out to be such a horny lady is because I spent my childhood playing with toys that are scented with smells to trigger horniness. I blame my mother for this, thanks mom.

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Don't remember these fantastic dolls? Watch the commercial below to refresh your memory.



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Monday, July 27, 2009

Tera Patrick's Pornstar Pool Party Review

Check out my latest review on Rancho Carne.


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Thursday, July 23, 2009

Twinkle Lover's Riding Crop


If you happen to catch me with an imprint of a star on my ass in the next few weeks then you are about to find out why. We all know how much I love a little pain sometimes when I'm getting naughty. Hence why I am excited about my new Twinkle Lover's Riding Crop. I have a paddle and a flooger so it was only fitting that I get a crop to add to my collection. Plus it also looks like a magic wand so I can use it when I play Pretty Pretty Princess.

It's long and pink, just how I like them. It's about 18" long and seems to be pretty sturdy for play time. The handle is rubber and ribbed which makes it really easy to grip. The shaft is covered with pink glitter ribbon and thread. At the top is a pink star that is also covered in pink glitter. I'm not sure what material the star is made of but it has some give and bend to it which will work nicely for smacking. But I do question if it's a material that will last for a long time or something that will need to be replaced soon. Does this mean the glitter will be imprinted in my behind also? I should test this out.

What is also great about this crop is I can use it for other things besides smacking. I can use the edges of the stars to stimulate the senses of the body. It feels really nice when you drag it along the arms, nipples or inner thighs. If you do it lightly it gives off a tickling sensation but I like it done a little harder. SInce there is glitter on the star when you have it flat on your body and drag you get the tickling sensation also.

This would have to be more of a toy I use on others then the other way around, not much of a manly toy. I think if the boy I was dating came at me with a hot pink glittery crop I might start giggling. That is something I would like to see though. I feel like when I use this I should be wearing a princess outfit and a tutu. Who wants to play naughty princess?

While this looks like a innocent toy one could really hurt someone else with this if you hit hard enough or poke them in the eye with it. I smacked myself on the butt with it and I can still feel it, but it's nice a nice feeling. But do be careful when playing with toys like these. Start of gentle and work your way up to my status. Perhaps have a safe word for when it gets too intense. My safe word is unicorn.

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Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Climax Fruit Bombs


I have never seen the point of flavored lube. I mean I get why people like them and want to try them but I have never wanted to use them. Mainly because I like the taste of a natural penis. I don't need a cherry flavored penis, to me that is weird. Maybe if what you are licking down there tastes bad it just needs to be washed. But for those of you who need a little sweetness to the vagina or the penis then flavored lube would be fun to try, but not this one.

We have all the flavored lubes out at work for customers to taste so they can find the right one. (If you are serving white wine I would go with a tropical flavor) I decided to finally try them out and see if they actually tasted good. There are a bunch of lines and I went with the Climax Fruit Bombs first. They are waterbased lubes that come in a circular bottle with a pump for dispensing.

These were some of the most disgusting things I have ever put in my mouth. First when I tried to pump it out it sprayed out onto me and on the counter. It was really liquidy and ran down my hands and fingers. I licked it off and was immediately grossed out. All the flavors tasted like really bad cough syrup. It was not appealing at all and I would not want this near my vagina or on a penis. They claim it doesn't get sticky but believe me it does. They also say it's perfectly safe for penetration but if you are sensitive down there I would be careful or you are likely to get an infection or irritation. My friend joked that maybe they only taste bad on their own and when you lick them off a penis they taste much better. Unless the penis tastes like a Jolly Rancher then nothing is going to make these lubes taste any better. No thank you!

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Monday, July 20, 2009

One Hour Fantasy Girl Review


Yes ladies and gentlemen not every movie I watch is porn. However this movie is about a dominatrix so it’s not much of a stretch. “One Hour Fantasy Girl” from writer/director Edgar Michael Bravo is the story of Becky/Brandi (Kelly-Ann Tursi). Escaped from a broken home and made her way to Los Angeles where she has been making it on her own. She teams up with Paul (Chi Trang) and begins working as a dominatrix to pay the bills and to one day start a career in real estate. However the job of a dominatrix isn’t always easy to do as Becky/Brandi learns through out her journey. She gets caught up in everything from strange clients to murder to trust issues.

You only see appointments take place with three different clients. One is Roger (Jon Morgan Woodward) who has an infant fetish. He is the typical client: big time music producer with a freaky fetish side. You would never know by looking at him. Sal (John Buckley Gordon) likes to get tied up in his office and played with rough. The other is Bobby (Joe Luckay) who Becky/Brandi befriends and makes a connection with. However everything is not as it seems and it doesn’t all work out for everyone involved.

One of the best things about this movie is how humanized everything is, especially the character of Becky/Brandi. She is a real person who is just trying to live her life working to make ends meat. Her job just happens to be a little more “involved” then others. People will watch this and see there is much more to women who are dominatrixes in real life. In no way do they over sexualize more then they need to. It’s not the glamorous/Hollywood version; it’s the gritty real life version. Kelly-Ann does a great job and gives a raw performance that is very convincing. I could really relate to her as a woman struggling with life.

I was very impressed with the rest of the cast also. They all fit into their characters well. I’m not too sure of what I think about the ending of the film. I feel like a few things didn’t make sense and needed more explanation. However overall the story did flow and kept my attention the entire time. Edgar did a great job with the writing and the directing. For an independent film it was really well made and I look forward to more projects from all people involved.

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Sunday, July 19, 2009

Bree's Big Campout Review

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Friday, July 17, 2009

Just in Case Compact; Got Me a Pink One!


A while back I first discovered this little gem and did a blog about them and how fun they sounded. When now lucky me I got myself one and I'm so excited. The Just In Case compact is great way to discreetly carry around condoms so you are always ready for action. Sometimes when condoms are left to wander about the purse while waiting to carry out their destiny they might get punctured or ruined. Well now I don't have to worry about that with my new little handy dandy compact. Plus the lid inside that you lift up to reveal the condoms is also a mirror, I like mirrors.

It comes in many colors and styles but I picked the petulant pink one, go figure. It's coated in clear acrylic and a cute hot pink design on the top of it. Shaped as a square that's only 2.5" both ways and about 7/8" deep. It comes with a petal pink organza bag that you can carry it around in. Although the bag is perfect for me to use to store my jewelry in when I travel, very convenient. Or it would be great to carry a mini clit vibe around in my purse. You would think I already have one in there but I don't. I should get on that. It also comes with two complimentary condoms for my sexual pleasure. Basically it comes ready to go into your purse and out for a night of love making.

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The mirror is also a nice touch to the compact. Not only great for checking yourself out and fixing your lip gloss through out the day but for checking to make sure you get all the cum off your face when you are done fooling around. However last time that happened they guy wiped my face off for me, he is sweet! But he is away right now so I have to pleasure myself for right the next week. But I do think of him when I do.

It hardly takes up any space in my purse which is good because I have so much stuff in there. It's pretty durable and has held up to me shoving stuff into my purse. If only it held more then two condoms because they way I like to roll I'm going to need something that holds a whole box. I need to get one for every purse so I'm always ready no matter which one I wear.

Thanks for the Just In Case compact Sex Toys!
Sex toys provided by SexToy.com home of the biggest selection of vibrators online.

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Thursday, July 9, 2009

Massive Asses 4 Review

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Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Sexual Superpower Contest Winner!

My free porn contests are my gifts to the world. Round two of the porn give-a-way was even better then the first round. The premise of this round was to invent a sexual superhero/power that would blow me away. I asked for creativity and to think outside the box. I got some amazing entries and it was really hard to pick a winner. So hard that I decided to have a tie and they both win 3 DVDs!

I'm now deciding on what the next contest should be. If you have any ideas let me know!
Click read more to read the winning entries!

The first winner is Charles;

I'd call it 'The Real Good T.M.E. (time)'

Maliciously wielded upon those criminally bad girls who vehemently asked to be turned inside-out.

Defined as the ability to have sex with a girl from the inside-out...literally. Where the climax isn't making her cum, but a reprieve from her longest, most prolific & powerful orgasm that started the started the second I got inside her. Only ending when she's on the brink of unconciousness.

And like some superheroes...I, too, would have a calling sign of sorts. There's the Bat symbol, the 'Z' belonging to Zorro...me, I'd just leave women exhausted, laced with a devilish grin and eternally exclamating in a satiated tone, "Too Much Ecstasy!"

As I disappear into the night saying, "I hope you had a Real Good T.M.E."
Sorry...no sex-ray vision or titanium dicks here. And please don't ask how I'd get inside the girls...Did Mary Jane ask Spidy how he spun webs? No, she just smiled and enjoyed the suspended sixty-nine! ;)


I really like this because I sooo wish it was a real superhero. Believe me I would make one of those sign things for him on my roof so I could summon him whenever I wanted.

Winner 2 is Toney;

I would start this guy off as your normal every day dude named Dusty Rockshire. Not too bad looking. His flaw is he has problems picking up women. One time, he got the guts to walk up to this beautiful and I must add HOT female and when he approached her, he could not speak the correct words to make himself a bit interesting. One day, as he was getting off of work he decides to walk home instead of taking the bus. As he traveled home, his route consisted of going through a major city park in which this very day changed the rest of his life. He noticed an elderly man being attacked by a bunch of hoodlums. The one thing that Dusty had for him was that he was very muscular. He worked out consistently every day. He ran over and helped out this elderly man by using his top notch kick boxing skills. As the hoodlums ran off, Dusty lifted the elderly man off the ground. The elderly man ever so thankful told Dusty that he owed him one. He asked Dusty, “If there was a wish that you could have granted right now what would it be?” Well that wasn’t too hard to answer. Dusty told the man of his problem and immediately, the elderly man, with a clap of his hands, said, “My friend, you wish is granted.”

The next morning, when Dusty woke up to get ready for work, he told himself, “Self, today is going to be a great day.” And yes it was.

The normal morning routine for Dusty in the morning right before work was stopping at the local Starbucks. One reason was to check out Janine, the hot ass cashier. When it was his turn to place his order with Janine, Dusty thought to himself, “Now’s the time.”

“Hey Janine, how are you. I want to know if you would like to possibly have dinner tonight?”

“Um. Well…”

As Janine was speaking, Dusty started getting these thoughts in his mind that were as clear as day, “Actually, I want to take you back home, right now and FUCK YOUR BRAINS OUT!”

“Oh Dusty, that is all you had to say!” explained Janine. At that moment, she ripped off her Starbucks apron, jumped over the counter and grabbed Dusty by his tie and ran out her place of employment. They headed back to his apartment and to Dusty’s belief, HAD THE BEST SEX EVER!!!

Dusty’s superhero power is to say something proper to a female and his mind will transform what he just said into the most hardcore thought into her mind. Giving Dusty some of the best sex whenever he wanted. HOLY BUTT SEX DUSTY!!!

To be continued…

The fact that he wrote a little story about the character was a major plus. Plus he ended it with "Holy Butt Sex Dusty" which made me laugh.

Thanks to all those that entered! I really loved reading all your ideas!



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Monday, July 6, 2009

The Screaming Octopus




This little delight is one of the cutest things ever! Yes it is a sex toy but does not even look like one. While this petite toy looks innocent it packs a powerful punch. Voted Best for Underwater Exploring in 2008 by Women's Health Magazine this waterproof toy is sure to leave you satisfied. There are 8 small tentacles that when vibrate tickle the clit perfectly. The screaming octopus come in 3 colors; pink, purple and blue which is what I got. It takes watch batteries that should give you at least 80 plus minutes of fun. It's only about 1.5" tall and made of jelly rubber.

I decided this adorable new friend needed a name. His name is William Bucksly but I will not tell you why. Let's just say it reminds me of someone or something. I couldn't stop playing with this thing and I'm not talking about playing with my clit either. Seriously it was like I was a kid with a new action figure. There is a little piece of jelly that hangs off the top so you can swing him around and smack him up and down. I was making him walk up and down my stomach and legs and dance around. Does this makes me strange? 

He is like my new little buddy. He is actually sitting right next to my computer right now as we speak, just hanging out. He makes me smile and giggle to look at him and play with him. Plus my clit really enjoys him and he's easy to use or have someone use on you. I could put William on my shelf and no one would know it was a sex toy. However with me people always ask if things are sex toys no matter what it is. Come on people not everything I own has to do with sex.

Who wants to come over and play underwater adventures with my octopus and action figures? No need to click read more just come play!




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Saturday, July 4, 2009

Porn Stud of My Life: Jean Val Jean

Part of me died the day I learned Jean Val Jean was no longer in porn. He had decided to go by his birth name Emmanuel Delcour and try out mainstream acting. Not a day doesn't go by that I don't miss him and his penis turning me on. His scenes and movies are still some of my favorite ever and no one will ever top him. Today he is competing for Mr. Venice Beach and I wish him all the luck. His career is doing pretty decent with roles on "CSI" and has been in a few movies. Including "Zombie Strippers" which is hilariously and wonderfully bad. But I will always remember and think of his as Jean Val Jean. He was my first Porn Stud of the Week and is my stud for life. If I saw him in real life I think I would have a heart attack, have an instant orgasm, try to make out with him and then I would probably get arrested. But it would be so worth it. I leave you now with a few photos that make me have a lady boner which I now need to go take care of.






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Friday, July 3, 2009

Hydrasmooth Lube


Never try to stick it in dry because I will hit you. Men, I will say this time and time again you need to use lube when the vagina area isn't wet enough. Thankfully I get wet enough on my own thanks to the hotness of my man friend. But sometimes I do need some help in the wetness department. Hydrasmooth is a great lubricant that made for ladies with sensitive lady parts. It's water based and contains no glycerin which is something one should never put in their vagina. However some lubes still contain it so always read the ingredients first. It's considered a cream base that is thicker then liquid lubes and feels fantastic.

The great thing about hydrasmooth is how moisturizing it is. It contains aloe, elastin, collagen and vitamin E which is great for your skin. I decided to rub a little on my legs to test out that fact and it was quite nice. Plus it doesn't get sticky like some water based lubes can and works it way into your skin. Since it is so moisturizing you don't need to wash it off when you are done. My vagina and I were instantly impressed with the feeling of it and how silky smooth it was. 

A few cons though. It does have a small taste to it. Yes I did lick it to see what it was like. I have to be prepared just in case it ever gets in my mouth at some point. It also has a slight smell which doesn't bother me at all. But my room smells like sex anyways so it fits right in. I really like this lube and I'm thinking of making it one of my regulars.


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Wednesday, July 1, 2009

New Man Friend Gives Good Sex

I had awesome wonderfully orgasmic sex for the first time with my new man friend. I knew it would be because he's fantastic at all the other stuff but it was REALLY good. No I'm not going to mention his name but I will be writing about him and therefore I'm thinking of a fake name I can use. I have a few ideas but I'm open to suggestions.

Yes this explains why I have been in a really good mood lately. I expect a phone call from my mom in about 2 minutes after she reads this wanting to know all possible info on him and want me to send a picture of him.

Needless to say my vagina and me woke up very happy today. He makes me smile.

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Contour I from Jimmyjane


Jimmyjane is becoming one of my favorite toy companies. I have always been impressed with all the products I have tried of theirs and this one is no different. The Contour I is a modern day take on hot stone massage. This smooth and polished toy is designed for deep kneading massage for you or a special friend. (that's what my mom likes to call them) The booklet that it comes with gives you tips and tricks about places on the body it is good for. Because it's made of double-fired porcelain it hold temperature really well. Heat it up or cool it down, whatever tickles your fancy.

The porcelain is hygienic, bio-compatible and non porous. It's durable in the sense that if you stand on it, it will not break. But drop it on the hard floor and you might have another story. It makes a great match with the Euphoric lotion from Jimmyjane. You can even buy the two in a kit! I love digging this thing deep into my shoulders or running it up and down my thigh to work the muscles.

When reading the instructions it says the toy was made to explore the body. Leave it to me to take that as try this out in your vagina. It's designed perfectly for g spot stimulation and I wasted no time trying it out. Let's just say I spent some time working out a whole other muscle group for a bit. I felt much better and happier after. I did laugh when after saying you should explore the body one should "use common sense."

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