Friday, January 30, 2009

LELO Valentine Edition

Lelo has come out with a special edition Nea for Valentines Day. Called the Nea Black Pearl Valentine, this gorgeous little treat is inscribed with a hot pink heart. It was designed by Jesper Kouthoofd who is one of the founders of Acne. He has captured the look of the sweetheart tattoo which is sure to win over who ever you give it to. It has all the great features of the original Lelo Nea. Multiple speeds, a glossy finish and super quiet just to name a few. Plus it's rechargeable, good for the planet. With only a few hour charge it will last you up to 7 hours of fun.

I don't even need this, but I want it. Wait I take that back I do need it. Why because I have nothing like it. Granted I already have two Lelo toys to play with. But they aren't tiny like this one. Plus you could use the Nea at the base of man's testicles while giving him head. It's also great to use while having sex on the clit and won't get in the way of anything because it's so small. Hey I can never have too many sex toys. 
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Bad Girls, Ink Review

Check out my latest review on Rancho Carne

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Porn Stud of the Week: Johnny Sins

Johnny Sins is one of those men I could just stare at for hours. This man is built, all muscle. Born in Pennsylvania February of 1979 he entered the porn business in 2006. Bald, gorgeous blue eyes and a smile to make you melt. Back to his body, my god his muscles never end. His penis is quite nice also measuring in at 7.5 inches. He was just nominated at the 2009 AVN Awards for Best Male newcomer and for a few sex scenes.

To continue masturbating click read more

And his talents, oh his talents. The way he shoves his face right when going down on a girl, his tongue looks magic. I think he would make me cum instantly. He seems like the guy who is always a complete gentleman until you get him in bed and he completely ravages you. He is know to be an easy going and laid back guy. Quiet when he first gets to set, but as soon as the camera rolls he gives 100%. I love when he gets dirty. 
Ladies love to work with him. Lisa Ann- "Johnny Sins is the HOTTEST thing I have ever laid eyes, hands, mouth, and my body on. I want more all the time. He is the best ever." India Summer- "Johnny is really hot and a great performer. He is really nice and down to earth. Also what a cock, what a body! Very skilled, it was a hot scene for us. I want some more."

Once again I would like to thank Digital Playground for introducing me to another sexy man I want to lick. You can find him in the following DP

Even just writing about him makes me all hot and bothered. I could bounce a quarter off his abs. Or better yet myself. Wow, I need to masturbate. 


Thursday, January 29, 2009


Are you bored and feel like being creative? I know there are many days where I feel like being a kid again in art class. Are you also horny and have a dirty mind like myself? Well now you can combine the two and have erotic craft time. Pornogami by Master Sugoi is completely dedicated to the art of origami with a naughty twist. There are a great bunch of fun designs to try including; handcuffs, rope, mouth, vagina, condom, breasts and many others.

It even shows you how to make a 3-D penis. Now imagine if I decided to use a much larger piece of paper then the normal origami size. I could make a giant life size 3-D penis. I'm sure my roommate wouldn't mind that addition to our apartment. It's will blend right in will all my other sex stuff. This book is going on my wish list. (It's that list on the right side of the page where you can buy me presents since I know you want to)

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Custom Condoms

Everyone has business cards today, even I do. You want your card to stand out from all the others but after awhile all the cards start to look the same. Why not back away from the business card and do something even better. How about a condom who doesn't love condoms. Custom condoms are not just for the big companies anymore anyone can get them. This would be a fantastic way to help guys remember me when they first meet me. Hand them a condom with my picture and number on it. I would put a unicorn on it but I feel that would repel them.

Click Read More to find out how to get your own.

Rip n Roll who brands themselves America's condom superstore will make whatever you want. You can use text or pictures or even both. At a fraction of the cost of other companies and available in much smaller quantities. You can purchase condoms in orders as little as 25 condoms. Really who need 10,000 condoms unless you are stocking up for life. And if that's the case then we need to hang out.

The FDA has approved these lubricated latex condoms. They are great for events or party favors. They would make classy table treats at a wedding. All you have to do is email whatever picture and/or text you want to to order. A digital sample will be emailed to you for your approval and then it's off to the ink press. You will be the envy of all your friends. I wonder if they could even bedazzle the condom wrappers, that would be condomtastic.


Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Lose Your Virginity Round 2! No Thank You

Having sex for the first time is never what you think it will be for a majority of people. Congratulations if it was a wonderful experience but for most it's not. I lost mine on a couch at some guys house who wouldn't talk to me after, it was everything I dreamed. Some girls wish they could get their virginity back and do it all over again. And now you can, kind of. Gigimo is selling an artificial hymen for women so you can relive the wonders of having sex for the first time. Really who wants to relive that. The blood and the pain. Thankfully I didn't experience that but I wouldn't want to by choice.

Click read more to learn more and to see what the artificial hymen looks like (brace yourself)

Made of albumin, a protein that is water soluble, this artificial hymen is said to simulate first time sex for both partners. One would place the hymen in her vagina 15-20 minutes before intercourse. When inside the hymen will expand with your body heat and make you feel tight. When penetrated it will ooze out a substance that looks like blood. And I quote "not too much but just the right amount." Yes because everyone wants to relive that part. No amount of blood is a good amount. Here's a cheaper way, just wait till you are on your period.

I guess this would be good in cases where you need to prove you are a virgin, like in some religions. It's a much cheaper way then having plastic surgery. In some cases the hymen can break on it's own not from sex. To get that back one would want to use this.

This is what the artificial hymen looks like. I didn't know what I was expecting. I guess they would try to make it look pretty with flowers and hearts. Nope they get down to it and give you a little sac of fake blood, right to the point. 


Monday, January 26, 2009

How Fast is Your Penis?

Men ever wonder how you measure up in the sex department, in-particular how fast you can hump the ladies, or men whatever you like. Well now you can measure your "love strokes" with this fabulous new toy. Available from Love Honey this cock ring actually measures your BPM or boinks per minutes. At the end of the love making it gives you a digital reading of how long it was.

Made of a soft rubber it stretches up to 3 inches in diameter, one size fits all. Another plus is the ergonomically designed counter will hit the clit of your lady friend making the sex oh so much better. It's great for fitness lovers or over achievers. You can measure and track your progress. You could make a little chart to hang on the wall and give yourself gold stars every time you reach a new goal. And when you get all the stars you can reward yourself. Maybe a new pair of pants or a hooker. 

However men, sometimes its not how fast you can bang her but getting deep and hitting the right spots. For some women (me) the harder the better. You thrusting like a jack rabbit on crack isn't always the way to go. 
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Trampling Request

I got a message on my Myspace the other day with a interesting request. Take a look.

"I know its odd but I'm wondering if you enjoy trampling cute handsome guys under your feet just for fun?? Did you ever try? To make him floor mat and foot rest and use him for your own entertainment?

I am just wondering what you think about my little fantasy..I am willing to compensate for your time..Any questions, please ask..
Sounds like fun and entertaining??
take care.."

His screen name is Super Hero. He is one of those guys where all his top friends are half naked girls. Yeah I'm going to say no, I don't need money that bad. What do you think?

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Sunday, January 25, 2009

The Wicked Review

Check out my latest review on Rancho Carne.

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Friday, January 23, 2009

Porn Stud of the Week: James Deen

James Deen has no tattoos on him and I still want to bang him. This means he must be really special. He was born in February 1986 in Pasadena CA.

He was nicknamed Deen for how much he smoked when he was younger and decided to stick with that when it came time to pick his stage name. James says porn was something he always aspired to do ever since childhood. He heard an interview with a porn star on the radio who said if you want to be a star try masturbating in a room of 20 of your friends. If you can do that then you can do porn. James took this to heart and started having sex at raves in crowds of people.

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At 9 inches long James has an amazing penis. He is so passionately rough when he does he scenes. Always makes a lot of eye contact with the girls and talks to them. You can't always hear what he is saying but when I have it got me all hot and bothered. So many times when I have watched behind the scenes girls can't say enough good things about him and that he is one of
 their favorites to work with. 

He can fuck forever, his scenes are some of the longest I have ever seen. I have never seen girls truly cum so many times from anyone else then James. He will pick you up, move you around while spanking and kissing you at the same time. Can I be next please?

James has done over 500 films, his penis has been very busy. Some of my favorites are; Cheerleaders, Sporty Girls, Fresh Flesh, Cum on my Tattoo, Debbie Loves DallasDollhouse 2, Shay Jordan Juice, Hard Candy 4, Pirates 2, Joanna's Angels, and Jesse Jane Sexy Hot


Thursday, January 22, 2009

Lube Sample Guy

Every once in awhile I get a customer that when they leave all I can think is what the fuck just happened. Yesterday was no different. This strange foreign man came in and started asking me about the lubes on sale. He was basically looking for the cheapest thing he could find. After that he wanted to know about the silicone lubes. So we chatted about that and I showed him of course the cheapest one. Then the conversation got fun.

Click read more to see what went down

Lube Guy: I want to try this before I buy it.
Me: We have samples that you can feel behind the counter if you would like to try it.

He follows me to the counter all while breathing heavy. I hand him the lube bottle for him to try and some paper towels.

Lube Guy: Do you have small tube I can put this in?
Me: Sir it's not a take home sample, you try it right here to see if you like it.

He tears off some paper towel and holds it out to me.

Lube Guy: How about you put some on this and I take it home.
Me: Sir that is a paper towel and it will absorb the lube so there is not point. I'm sorry that won't work.

I figured he got the point when he put down the paper towel and picked up the lube sample. He then poured a large amount of the lube in his hand. Did he rub it in or feel it to see if he liked it. No he simply kept his hand cupped full of lube and walked out of the store. Yes that's right he left with the lube still in his hand.

Now I have no idea where he lives but what the hell is he going to do with a handful of lube on the way home. Is he stopping in the next public restroom to try it out. Maybe he will go to a bar and try to find someone to use it with. That's a nice pick up trick. Walk up to a lady with a handful of lube and just smile. I hope he doesn't get on the subway and spill it because that would be a disaster. I guess he just wanted to be ready for some action at a moments notice. Strange.


Booty Bling

Every girl loves jewelry especially if it sparkles. It's that time of year again where you must figure out what to buy that loved one for Valentines Day. However what I'm suggesting you get doesn't really sparkle around the neck or wrist it's a little more south.
Hakawholesale has presented retailers with a limited edition jeweled but plug. Swarovski has designed three unique colors just for this delightful treat. Made of medical grade stainless steel they come adorned with a cognac, flame, or heliotrope color Swarovski crystal. There is an elongated stem to keep in place and allow the jewel to pop out and sparkle.

Stainless steel is great because it's non-porous so you won't have to worry about germs and bacteria. Which is always a concern when you are dealing with anal toys. So easy to clean by using a mild soap and hot water. It warms up nicely to your body temp or you can cool it down to be adventurous.

It's too bad nudity isn't more accepted in public. Because if I had one of these things I would want to show it off. Make people jealous that my booty has more bling then theirs. Or maybe I could some how get a chain put on it and wear it as a necklace. Then I would always be prepared for a rendezvous.

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Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Nurses Trailer

Robby D. has done it again. As one of the top directors from Digital Playground he continues to dazzle me with fantastic porn movies. Following in the steps of Babysitters and Cheerleaders come Nurses. An all star cast of sexy women and hot men with delightful penises make this upcoming release a must see. When it comes out February 24 I will be stocking The Pleasure Chest with many copies. I may have to take the next day off from work just to masturbate to it all day long.

Click read more to see the tantalizing trailer that is sure to get your juices flowing.


Tera Patrick Superstar Review

Check out my latest review at Rancho Carne

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Monday, January 19, 2009

Condoms are Cute


Watch Porn Secretly at Work.

Ever been at work and all of a sudden you really wanted to watch porn. This happens to me all the time. But then again I work at a sex store and porn is the love of my life. (Don't worry Jean Val Jean I still love you more) Well now you can watch porn whenever you want with no one knowing what you are doing. Oh they will know you are up to something but they won't be able to see the screen. Me I don't really care if people see that I'm watching porn, but others are little more secretive. Well are you need is this....
The only thing that would make this better if there was a hoop skirt attached to it so I could also masturbate at the same time. I found this wonder on Crib Candy but I cannot figure out who made it. Which is a shame because that would be rather useful on bus rides home.

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One Day....

This picture is going to be a reality. This was made and sent to me from Jacker Parker. Thank you Jacker, I love it!!
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Sunday, January 18, 2009

New Blogging Gig!!

Don't worry my dears I will in no way stop my Sexy Blogtime. However once or twice a month I will be contributing to Club Double, a fun, sexy and naughty website for all the ladies out there. My first blog was posted yesterday about my love of porn. Please go check it out and let me know what you think.

No need to click read more, that's it!


Friday, January 16, 2009

Porn Stud of the Week: Charles Dera

This weeks stud is the gorgeous Charles Dera. He was born in December 1978 in Philadelphia. Charles was originally in the United States Marine Corps which is where I'm guessing he got that fabulous body of his. He left to pursue a career as a fitness and nude model. He even used to be a Chippendales dancer. If only he was still a dancer when I went to see them. Funny story my roommate and I were propositioned to go home with the main Chippendales guy. We said sure but we need to use the rest room first. Then peaced out of there, he was gross and had about a gallon of gel in his hair. Plus I didn't want his glitter all over my sheets.

Click read more to learn more about Charles

In 2005 Playgirl named him their "Man of the Year." He continued his nude modeling and thankfully that lead to more. In 2007 he entered the porn world and I'm so glad that he did. His typical move is to hoist girls up and bang the hell out of them. He can hoist me up any time he wants, he can do whatever the hell he wants to me as far as I'm concerned.
He has the most beautiful green eyes and black hair that I would love to tug on. He stands at about 6 feet tall and weighs 205 lbs which is all muscle. That man is  built like a god. He recently won this years "Unsung Male Performer of the Year" at the AVN award this month.

As usual I discovered him in a bunch of Digital Playground movies. You can find him in Babysitters, Pirates 2, Jesse Jane Lust, and Shay Jordan Video Nasty 2. 

You can also masturbate to him in these other movies; Busting the Babysitter, Girl in 6C, Meet Brea, and Anal Asspirations 7
Don't you just want to lick him, I know I do.


Thursday, January 15, 2009

Curvy Girls 2 Review

Check out my latest review at Rancho Carne.


I Heart Fan Mail

It's a wonderful feeling when you get your first fan mail. Recently I have been getting a bunch and would like to thank all of you who have written me wonderful comments. My partner in crime, who you know from Happy Blogtime is in the same boat. The other day she had one of her fans send her a story he had written about her. A lovely man by the name of John Hulme wrote it based off one of her blogs. I left a comment saying I wish my fans wrote me stories. Being such a nice guy John saw that and wrote me my own story. Thank you John for that. Click read more to read the story.

Painting the undiscovered circus
by John Hulme

Most mornings just used to tease her awake,
wiping away the layers of limbo with gentle strokes across her eyelashes.

But not this one.

She seemed to tumble out of her dream
as though she had been kicked unceremoniously through a window.

And maybe she had.

There seemed to be pieces of broken glass and crystal scattered all over the floor,
nestled into the bedclothes
and hanging roughly from a sore, sleep-mangled arm
that now hung limp and useless over the side of the bed.


She was still in her dream body -

the one she kept hidden beneath her everyday skin
to keep the circus moving when nobody else was home -

like a china doll booby-trapped with secret alarms
and music boxes.

As she lay there,
letting the daytime skin roll up over her secret toy mechanisms
and melody lines,
she knew that the shattered arm would not heal.

It would just wither and corrode in the dirty city air,
flopping pathetically by her side,
and everybody would finally get to see just how different she really was.

They wouldn't be spellbound by the craftsmanship,

or drawn in by the intricate songs thant danced,
oh so delicately across her fingertips.

Dammit! Dammit! Dammit!

It was not good to feel them so acutely -
not this early in the morning, anyway -
and she could feel the tears welling up around her eyes.

That was when she noticed how the air was dancing,
a chorus of tiny particles pirouetting in a shaft of sunbeam from the window.

The sun was particularly strong that morning,
and the intense refraction had torn a wide spectrum of colous from the starlit air.

Reaching her free hand into the beam,
she pulled out some reds, yellows, a hint of orange and mauve,
and began mixing a small cocktail of vibrant light-fibre inks
with which to paint her arm.

Now, when people looked at her arm,
they would see an artwork,
a stave of clockwork music woven into starburst colour,
and the small proud flag
of an undiscovered circus.


Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Private Life of Alexis Review

Check out my latest review on Rancho Carne


Just In Case Compact

These days throwing a condom in a purse isn't the best way to keep them. Unless secured they get thrown around with the risk of it getting punctured or the package ripping. Which could put a damper on things if in the heat of the moment you go to get your trusted friend and they have bit the bullet. Well the ladies at Just In Case have come up with a fashionable solution that every woman I'm sure love. They have produced a line of compacts with a false bottom to store condoms and a small packet of lube. They think this will make a woman more comfortable carrying condoms. However I don't really agree with what they propose all women feel  about carrying condoms.

Click read more to see what they say.

The website claims, "The idea of purchasing condoms herself or carrying them in her purse where others may see them, might be just too embarrassing. Or she may feel judged for having them in her possession." I'm sure some women out there do feel like that, but I hardly think all do. And if you are one of the women who feel ashamed for carrying condoms in your purse, then snap the hell out of it. There is nothing wrong or shameful in protecting yourself. People would only judge you if a economy sized box of condoms fell out of your purse. But I think they would just be jealous of how much action they think you are getting, or ask to come along.
They have designed a few different types of cases for everyones style preference. My favorite of course is the Classic Bling that is covered in Swarovski crystals. For the gal on the budget they also make pastel and metallic colored ones. There is even a mirror inside for your connivence to make sure you got the cum off your face when you are finished.

I personally would like to see them come out with some bigger products. How about the Just In Case fanny pack. Then I could fit a whole bunch of condoms, a small bottle of lube and my GiGi in there. Maybe even a snack for later, like some animal crackers.


Monday, January 12, 2009

Bored in Louisville, Ladies?


Ladies of Louisville are you tired of men who don't know how to give good oral sex and don't appreciate the female form? Well do I have some wonderful news for you. Louisville Free Face is a site put together by George Kistner offering his skills for free to any attractive women in the area who would like it. He feels even the best should practice and would like to practice whenever he can. Are you intrigued? I know I was, that is until I saw his picture. Let's just say he is not my type. Click read more to find out about this fantastic opportunity.

George, who also goes by vampire lord or god, would like all the attractive women of Louisville to apply. Yes you have to be attractive according to him, that's one of his terms. Other terms include; must be of legal age, be clean and disease free, be nude during the act, be single or in an open relationship and would like you to tell your friends about him if you have a good time. He is completely serious about this and how good he believes he is. He talks about all the wonderful side effects you get from having an orgasm and the benefits that are involved. Not once does he mention that you must do anything in return, such a gentleman.

He has a whole about me section which I found entertaining. His full name is Leslie George Kistner III and currently has magenta hair. His hobbies include weightlifting, vampires and video games. My favorite hobby of his is he enjoys religions that employ the use of "magick." Maybe he incorporates some of this "magick" into his oral skills, you could leave with a magical vagina that sings the praises of George and what he has done to it.

His guest book is not very long. People comment on how cool he is for doing this and how he can make his site better. His friends and family leave their thoughts too. I'm sure his mom loves what he is doing for his community. Granted my parents ready my site but I'm not offering up my skills to anybody who wants it. However if I did have an application to date me it would only really have 3 questions. Do you have tattoos? Are you intimidated by my sex knowledge? And how do you feel about unicorns?


Nina Hartley's Guide to Bondage Sex Review

Check out my latest review on Rancho Carne.


Thursday, January 8, 2009

Porn Stud of the Week: Scott Nails

For awhile when I first started watching porn I was always disappointed with the men they got to perform. They were ugly, not in great shape, and not up to par with the girls they were with. Now I know a lot of porn is geared towards men, but give the ladies something to rub one off to. Is it too much to ask to get a nice body attached to the penis they are using. Well I'm here to let you know that now a days there are so many more freaking hot men in porn. Which is why my love of porn has grown. Every week I will be introducing you to some very nice eye candy and what movies you can find them in. Click read more to masturbate to the first one.

You all know what my biggest weakness is, hot guys with tattoos. Scott Nails is no exception. He is my current love in the porn industry, I would let him do whatever he wanted to me. He has the most adorable grin, smoking body, and a penis that is about 10 inches long. It's so pretty I want to frame a picture of it and put it over my bed.

Born in April of 1982 in Arizona Scott started out doing construction. His girlfriend at the time Mariella was discovered and needed a guy to do scenes with. Scott agreed and to this day has done over 350 movies. His left arm and shoulder is completely covered in a vine like hell fire tattoo. I'm not a big fan of tribal but there is something about him I can look past that, maybe it's because of his penis. In 2006 his
 won the AVN award for best new male performer and was nominated in 2007 for male performer of the year.

I first discovered Scott in Hush from DIgital Playground. Other movies from them he is in are; Island Fever 4, Deeper 3, Hard Candy 4, and my personal favorite Babysitters.

He has worked for other studios and you can drool over him in these; Jenna Haze Darkside, Sacred Sin, and Lewd Lube Jobs.

By the way Scott if you are reading this, I live in Brooklyn and you can stay over whenever you want. 


My Sister's Hot Friend Vol. 12 Review

Check out my latest review at Rancho Carne


Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Creepy Old Men

Ah creepy old men. Something a young woman always has to deal with. I have gotten used to dealing with them at work but now they have found me on myspace. Last night I got a rather strange offer from a man name "Andy." The subject of the letter was "You are a Goddess!!"

Click read more to see what he sent me and his picture.

Hi, Happy Holidays Lucy!
You really are a Goddess:) I hope you don't mind that I messaged you.
I am a guy that worships femininity and loves to be at the beck and call of a beautiful woman. I love to make myself available to a lovely lady like yourself to do your house cleaning, chores, errands and anything else that you might like done for you. I love serving and ask nothing in return other than the joy of pampering and pleasing you. When I am done with my chores, I simply go away so that you can get on with your day. I am also learning mani/pedi and hope to be able to do nails soon too.Please let me know if this might appeal to you or if you would rather that I not contact you again.
thank you,

He then sent me a friend request with the message "It would be an honor Goddess, thank you- Andy." Funny thing is I think he might have sent me something like this before. I'm going to have to pass but if anyone wants to take him up on his mani/pedi let me know and I'll give him your number.


Shades of Romona Review

Check out my latest review on Rancho Carne


Monday, January 5, 2009

Deep Throat Energy Drink

Ah caffeine how I love you. Porn how I love you too. Now put those two together and you have a fun time. Energy drinks are what makes my world go round, besides masturbation. I'm always up for trying the latest one. You think I'm this perky all on my own. I think my next energy drink addiction should be to the Deep Throat energy drink. Mainly for that fact it's named after one of the most influential porn ever made. I would enjoy walking around with one of those in my hand in public.

Marketed as saying it will keep you UP all night, it's filled with essential nutrients to revitalize mind and body. It will also promote energy and alertness. If only it gave you that sexual healing, some how I feel that could just lead to trouble with me. Their website was just relaunched to be more user friendly. You can add drink recipes, upload pictures and videos, and get the latest drink news.

Click read more to see some of the fun things you can buy from the online store.

Of course they allow you to buy the drink. You can get a single can or buy a 24 pack. I want the large can shaped fridge to put my drinks in, thats classy.

These I could make so much use of. It's always good to have a pair of pasties on hand. You never know where you might end up.

This dry erase board I would like to put on my front door so people could leave me messages if they would like. Or maybe love notes.


Sunday, January 4, 2009

Pure Review

Check out my latest review at Rancho Carne