Friday, June 20, 2008

X-Rated Anniversaries

We are currently smack-dab in the middle of wedding season, and as we all hope, the weddings of today bring the anniversaries of tomorrow. Traditionally, there are milestones when it comes to an anniversary and the particular gifts you should buy. They can be kind of boring, so I’m here to offer a few suggestions on how to spice 'em up with a little x-rated fun - click "Read More!"

1 year: Paper
Now, unless you are rather crafty and can make a vagina out of origami, I would suggest a book. There are dozens of sex books out there with all different types of subjects. Perhaps you want to explore the kama sutra or tantric. If bondage interests you, maybe something on that. And for your sake, I hope the book isn’t about how to do things correctly because hopefully that will have been taken care of before the “I do."

2 years: Cotton
This is a pretty easy one; pick yourself up a sexy nighty or underwear. Or if you want to give them mini orgasms then get them a box of q-tips. I swear that’s the best part about getting ready in the morning. Q-tips are like tiny penises and my ear a little vagina, I love it. Does this make me strange?

3 years: Leather
Depending on how far you want to take it, there are many options for you here. If you want to start small, maybe a leather paddle or dog collar and leash. If you really want to get freaky, get a whole leather suit with a mask and everything.

4 years: Fruit/Flowers
Flowers don’t have much of a sexual draw to them, although they do make vibrators shaped as flowers. So I would stick to the fruit side of this one. First off, start with some flavored lube. My favorite is Systems JO because they have no artificial flavorings and taste great. Back in the day people used to put cucumbers and bananas in their naughty places. So why not be old school? Don’t forget to wash them before the dinner party though.

5 years: Wood
If you're cheap, just give them your hard penis. However, these days the toy business is getting more eco-friendly. Sex toys are now being made from wood. Using wood such as cherry and oak, they are crafted into a life-long toy, coated with a food-safe varnish so there is no need to worry about splinters.

10 years: Tin
First of all, you should not have a toy made of tin because it will rust. But at work we do sell kits in tin boxes packed with vibrators, candles, rings - quick and simple. You can get one ready-made or make your own.

15 years: Crystal
Believe it or not we have a pearl crystal dildo at the store. Crafted by Phallix, the glass company, this toy is beautiful enough to put on your coffee table. No lie, I had a woman buy a bunch for the sole purpose of decorating her new kitchen.

20 years: China
This is more of a make-your-own. Take some really creative sexy pictures of yourself, then casually bring them to your local CVS and get them to put it on a mug or a plate. You could even get a whole place setting. Be cautious you don’t serve a snack to your parents on your spread-eagle plate.

25 years: Silver
The classic silver bullet would work well with this anniversary. While it's not really made of silver, it gets the theme across. If you really want to bump it up a notch get the Jimmy Jane Little Platinum. Not silver but same color. This nifty little vibe is virtually silent and has a replaceable motor. It will last you a lifetime, because you won't, and let's face it, you've got to get the job done.

30 years: Pearl
For the man on a budget a classical "pearl necklace" will do. I’m not talking about the one you get in a store but the much stickier one. I hear it’s very good for the skin, lots of protein. Another classic is the pearl thong. While the woman walks the pearls, rub back and forth on the clit, which provides much enjoyment.

40 years: Ruby
Rubies haven't quite made it to sex toys yet, but I did find a fantastical substitution. The Xandria Collection makes a ruby red glitter dildo. It’s 8 inches long with a suction cup on the base to stick it anywhere. Put it on the wall, floor, and bathtub - anywhere you can stick it. I’m so tempted to buy it for my mom because of her love of the Wizard of Oz. Although, I’m not too sure about her love for giant dildos, so I'm going to wait on that one.

50 years: Gold
When it comes to gold, you must get the real thing. Remember what happens to your finger when there is a fake gold ring on it, the green mark it leaves? I’m going to guess you don’t want that happening down there. My favorite company Lelo makes a fabulous 18k gold-plated clitoral vibrator. This beauty is called the Yva and will set you back about $1,500.00. It’s so pretty you're going to want to take it out every time company comes over and show it off.

60 years: Diamond
I always tell people that if the toy is something you really want and will get a lot of use out of, why not invest in something really good? Stop dicking (hehe) around with the beginner’s toys and get the good stuff. Mi-Su sex toys are a very high-end company brining you top-of-the-line toys made with excellent materials. I bet you want your penis to have some bling, well with this, the diamond cock ring, they make your penis the envy of all the other ones. You can even get it engraved. Although I don’t really know what you would engrave a cock ring with.

Well there you have it folks, x-rated fun for every anniversary. Don’t forget the card.

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