Sunday, June 29, 2008

Lucy Vonne On: Strange People Touching Me

I always have a lot to say. So I figured with my roommate being on her death bed, high on life (or whatever it is the doctor gave her) I thought I would give you a little outlook on my thoughts. Granted, I don't have my roommate's wit or big bosom but I will do my best to fill her bra.

Anyways, lately I have been feeling like a pregnant woman - let me explain. I have a whole lotta tattoos that appear all over me. The biggest and most noticeable is my sleeve that is almost finished, by the talented Ben Pease at Pino Bros Ink in the Boston area...I do get a lot of comments and questions about it, which I don't mind at all. However, when people feel they have the right or need to grab and touch and feel my arm then I have a problem.

Just the other day I was at work and went over to a man and asked if he needed any help in the cock ring section. All he said was "wow!" and then proceeded to rub the top part of my arm for a good 30 seconds. Bewildered, I looked at him, then to my arm, then back to him (in a 'WTF are you doing' kind of way) while he continued to feel up my anchor tattoo. I'm just glad I don't have a chest piece he was fond of.

And today, while going to the subway, some guy decided to stop me and turn my arm back and forth while he looked and described it to me. Thanks, sir, but I am aware of what is permanently inked on my arm. No need for you to tell me what each thing is. And so it is, at least a few times a week I am grabbed and my arm gets felt up. One of these days I may smack them, unless you are a cute boy I can make an exception. This is why I feel like a pregnant woman who gets strangers placing their hands on her belly all day. So for the record, if you like my tattoos just tell me, STOP TOUCHING ME!


Saturday, June 28, 2008


The great thing about working at a sex store is all the wonderful information I have gained - not only about toys, but also lubes and stimulants. Things I would have never know about if I had not worked there.

From the time I can remember, there have been so many products for men to improve sexual performance. We see ads everywhere from television to magazines, even presidential candidates have talked about it. But when it comes to the women, until I started work at the Chest, I had never really heard of anything for us. The product I have come to enjoy and find useful is Orgazyme. This is a wonderful clitorial cream one may to use to enhance their sexual experience. Orgazyme is made of completely natural products that won't harm even a sensitive girl. It causes more and quicker blood flow to the clitoris, which in turn makes you much more sensitive down there. This happens by helping the body produce more nitric oxide, which is the main cause of a clitoral erection. The nitric oxide helps relax the muscles in the sex organs allowing the blood to flow more frequently, and it actually makes you more sensitive all around the vaginal area.

Orgasms can happen more frequently and they are much more intense. Sometimes it takes a while for it to get sensitive, this just speeds it up a little and makes it wonderful down there. It was like tiny fireworks for a tiny party happening in my vagina. And hey, who doesn't love a party.

And on another note, my quest for Jean Val Jean still continues. If you or anyone know of his whereabouts please let me know - email me at You can also use this email if you would like to ask me any sex questions to be answered during the next Sexy Time.


Friday, June 20, 2008

X-Rated Anniversaries

We are currently smack-dab in the middle of wedding season, and as we all hope, the weddings of today bring the anniversaries of tomorrow. Traditionally, there are milestones when it comes to an anniversary and the particular gifts you should buy. They can be kind of boring, so I’m here to offer a few suggestions on how to spice 'em up with a little x-rated fun - click "Read More!"

1 year: Paper
Now, unless you are rather crafty and can make a vagina out of origami, I would suggest a book. There are dozens of sex books out there with all different types of subjects. Perhaps you want to explore the kama sutra or tantric. If bondage interests you, maybe something on that. And for your sake, I hope the book isn’t about how to do things correctly because hopefully that will have been taken care of before the “I do."

2 years: Cotton
This is a pretty easy one; pick yourself up a sexy nighty or underwear. Or if you want to give them mini orgasms then get them a box of q-tips. I swear that’s the best part about getting ready in the morning. Q-tips are like tiny penises and my ear a little vagina, I love it. Does this make me strange?

3 years: Leather
Depending on how far you want to take it, there are many options for you here. If you want to start small, maybe a leather paddle or dog collar and leash. If you really want to get freaky, get a whole leather suit with a mask and everything.

4 years: Fruit/Flowers
Flowers don’t have much of a sexual draw to them, although they do make vibrators shaped as flowers. So I would stick to the fruit side of this one. First off, start with some flavored lube. My favorite is Systems JO because they have no artificial flavorings and taste great. Back in the day people used to put cucumbers and bananas in their naughty places. So why not be old school? Don’t forget to wash them before the dinner party though.

5 years: Wood
If you're cheap, just give them your hard penis. However, these days the toy business is getting more eco-friendly. Sex toys are now being made from wood. Using wood such as cherry and oak, they are crafted into a life-long toy, coated with a food-safe varnish so there is no need to worry about splinters.

10 years: Tin
First of all, you should not have a toy made of tin because it will rust. But at work we do sell kits in tin boxes packed with vibrators, candles, rings - quick and simple. You can get one ready-made or make your own.

15 years: Crystal
Believe it or not we have a pearl crystal dildo at the store. Crafted by Phallix, the glass company, this toy is beautiful enough to put on your coffee table. No lie, I had a woman buy a bunch for the sole purpose of decorating her new kitchen.

20 years: China
This is more of a make-your-own. Take some really creative sexy pictures of yourself, then casually bring them to your local CVS and get them to put it on a mug or a plate. You could even get a whole place setting. Be cautious you don’t serve a snack to your parents on your spread-eagle plate.

25 years: Silver
The classic silver bullet would work well with this anniversary. While it's not really made of silver, it gets the theme across. If you really want to bump it up a notch get the Jimmy Jane Little Platinum. Not silver but same color. This nifty little vibe is virtually silent and has a replaceable motor. It will last you a lifetime, because you won't, and let's face it, you've got to get the job done.

30 years: Pearl
For the man on a budget a classical "pearl necklace" will do. I’m not talking about the one you get in a store but the much stickier one. I hear it’s very good for the skin, lots of protein. Another classic is the pearl thong. While the woman walks the pearls, rub back and forth on the clit, which provides much enjoyment.

40 years: Ruby
Rubies haven't quite made it to sex toys yet, but I did find a fantastical substitution. The Xandria Collection makes a ruby red glitter dildo. It’s 8 inches long with a suction cup on the base to stick it anywhere. Put it on the wall, floor, and bathtub - anywhere you can stick it. I’m so tempted to buy it for my mom because of her love of the Wizard of Oz. Although, I’m not too sure about her love for giant dildos, so I'm going to wait on that one.

50 years: Gold
When it comes to gold, you must get the real thing. Remember what happens to your finger when there is a fake gold ring on it, the green mark it leaves? I’m going to guess you don’t want that happening down there. My favorite company Lelo makes a fabulous 18k gold-plated clitoral vibrator. This beauty is called the Yva and will set you back about $1,500.00. It’s so pretty you're going to want to take it out every time company comes over and show it off.

60 years: Diamond
I always tell people that if the toy is something you really want and will get a lot of use out of, why not invest in something really good? Stop dicking (hehe) around with the beginner’s toys and get the good stuff. Mi-Su sex toys are a very high-end company brining you top-of-the-line toys made with excellent materials. I bet you want your penis to have some bling, well with this, the diamond cock ring, they make your penis the envy of all the other ones. You can even get it engraved. Although I don’t really know what you would engrave a cock ring with.

Well there you have it folks, x-rated fun for every anniversary. Don’t forget the card.


Thursday, June 5, 2008

Sexy Time with Lucy Vonne: The Cone

The Cone is the toy that always stops people in their tracks. They stop and stare, do the little head tilt and try really hard to figure it out. They look at their friends to see if they have any idea and they usually make the remark of, "I hope that doesn't get inserted!"

You see, to them it's a giant light pink cone sitting there amongst a bunch of sex toys. But to those who know its true purpose knows it does a great deal more than just sit there. I mean, yes, it sits there, but you can put in on the wall if you want. The cone is like the washing machine back in the day, to where lonely housewives found ways to make laundry much more fun. (Yes this is why you may catch your mom sitting on the washer.) It is a mounting device, you wrap your legs around it. This toy is not only for the ladies, thats right gentleman you can join in on the fun.

It has 16 different vibration programs for you to climax to. If you are impatient, hit the second button and it takes you right to the orgasm program. And it's totally hands-free. Don't worry if you have no idea what to do with it at first, because The Cone comes with a sheet illustrating allll different positions that you can try. My favorite is the one of the man sitting on it reading the paper - he does seem to be enjoying it! Heck, I would break mine out for long car rides, bring it on the plane, just to make the time go by faster. However, for such a fantastic toy, I have yet to sell one at work. But when I do, they are getting a high five! And an invite on my next road trip.