Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Phineas K. Rimmington Hearts Rimming.

Ah the subject of rimming. What used to be such a taboo subject and not on the minds of anyone has becoming a fun treat for all to share. I myself recently got into anal play, and let me tell you ladies it's not that scary. I actually really enjoyed it. Plus men love it when you do it to them. Not all will admit they like a tongue down under, but once you do it they will ask for more.
My dear friend Phineas K. Rimmington is pretty much an expert on the subject of rimming. I asked him to share his knowledge of his favorite pass time so when you are prepared to indulge in this activity you are completely prepared.

Click read more to read his article on anilingus.

The Rim of Your World
Phineas K. Rimmington

Anilingus. Rimming. Salad tossing. Ass eating. Whichever of these terms suits you best, two truths hold firm about this erotic oral activity. One is the definition: The licking of the anus. Second is the fact that it feels amazing and is fun to do! As my dear friend, sex educator, model, and burlesque performer Courtney Cruz once said, “I don’t care who you are or what you’re into. A tongue in your asshole feels fan-fucking-tastic!”

Well I’m here to endorse that idea wholeheartedly and let you happy, pretty, and sexy people know that rimming is not just okay, it is magical. Everyone from Joe Six-Pack to the Hockey Mom want and deserve to be getting their salad tossed on a regular basis. And so do you! So read on and allow me to take you through the facts, preparation, safety tips, technique, positions, and sheer joy of rimming.

Preparation, Risks, and Safety Tips

So as with every aspect of life, especially sex life, it is of the utmost importance that one be educated before diving in! Most people have one primary fear when it comes to some good old-fashioned ass licking. That being the cleanliness/infection factor. When it comes to rimming and STI’s the primary potential infections are as follows: gonorrhea, hepatitis (A and B), Chlamydia, human papiloma virus (HPV), herpes and genital herpes, parasites, and syphilis. Wait! Come back and stop crying! The risks for these infections are honestly very low as long as both participants are responsible, educated, clean, and honest. It’s true one can never be too safe, so if you and/or your partner are not comfortable with direct mouth to rear contact you can still enjoy this blissful act. “Using plastic wrap with a dab of lubricant on the side that touches his [or her] hole can give you protection but still let you both feel the heat“, says New York City doctor Dan William, MD, “as will cutting a condom lengthwise to form a barrier” (ref: www.thebody.com). Also consider using dental dams, be sure to get your hepatitis A and B vaccinations, and of course, regardless of what your practices are, every sexually active individual should get tested for HIV and STI/STD’s every six months!

As far as cleanliness, no one wants to lap up sweaty fecal matter. I don’t. You don’t. If you do, then I still support you, but I will never make out with you. Ever. So that being said, this simply comes down to a matter of proper communication and preparation. If you are planning or hoping that your partner (or one night stand) is going to dive face-first into that delicious ass of yours, then it’s up to you to properly prepare. Prior to hopping into the sack or before you go out to find someone to join you there, simply back one out, follow with a thorough anal douching, and be sure to pay extra attention between those cheeks when showering. This will ensure that your rear entrance is squeaky clean both inside and out.

Anal douching can be done a few different ways. My recommendations are to use either a bulb (or ball) douche which is efficient and also small so, if and when necessary, it travels easily. There are quite a few different companies that make these so take your pick. My other recommendation is to use a shower attachment. Jim Diamond makes a few very easy and efficient anal cleansing systems which attach either to the shower head or sink faucet. You can adjust the water pressure and temperature easily, it hooks up in five minutes or less, works great, and can be used not only for functionality but also for play! For more info on anal douching, simply look it up online. There’s a wealth of information to be found regarding products and instruction.

Once you’re done with your internal cleansing routine, just wash that booty with a little extra oomph in the shower. Show those cheeks, crack, and hole some love with hot water and soap. Bonus points for using a good scented soap in this instance! I recommend any of the scented bathing gels from the brand Kama Sutra, especially Clove and Ocean Blu.

Now I understand that some of us have demanding schedules or other restricting conditions which prevent this kind of in-depth preparation on a regular basis. The application of a fantastic product known as Sphincterine (marketed as an "ass-stringent") works fantastically if you're in a bind, or just be honest with the person you’re about to shag. If they want a taste of your money maker and you haven’t properly prepared, simply tell them “Not tonight” and hold firm to that response. Some ass-eating zealots will try to sneak back there anyway. Slap them.

Let Them Eat Salad

Now that the facts and warnings have been laid out, we can get to the yummy part! Telling your partner to shut up and eat it! Okay, maybe not quite those words. They might have you sleeping alone on the couch. But the point is you may now know the full euphoria surrounding this delicious oral activity, whether you’re the one with someone’s mouth nestled in your butt or you’ve got someone happily seated on your face. Both sides of this equation can be very rewarding.

Physically speaking, the anus is home to a wealth of nerve endings, therefore any stimulation in that region, especially with the tongue, is going to spark quite a reaction. For a woman, the nerve endings of the anus are second only to that of the clitoris, so quite a hot spot for her too! On a mental and emotional level, there is hardly any form of foreplay that I know of that can make someone feel as all-around sexy as having someone shove their tongue in their ass. The joy and intense sexual excitement that stems from the very idea that someone finds you so desirable that they want to taste every inch of you is unparalleled. On the flip side, being the one working your partner’s hole with your tongue can be every bit as much of a turn on. Seeing and hearing their reactions can be highly stimulating and gratifying. So much so that some, myself included, prefer to be on that side of the equation. And, dammit, licking a clean hot ass just tastes great!


Now when it comes to the way you intend to feast on your lover’s ass, you must of course take into account what your partner likes, what you like, the chemistry between you, and the mood of the moment. There are a few aspects that should remain unchanged when rimming your partner. Pressure and handy work. When rimming your partner it’s always a good idea to keep your hands busy. Simultaneously massage the cheeks, back, the legs, etc. Your hands may also find their way to the front to show some synchronal love to the penis or clitoris. Interspersing some finger play to the ass is usually a good thing too. For those who do not like to be anally penetrated in any way, simply rubbing and applying pressure to the anus with the thumb will still feel great. For men, applying pressure to the perineum (better known as the taint) always makes for a good time.

There should always, always be a good amount of pressure applied with the tongue. Analingus without any pressure of the tongue (sometimes barely making contact at all) is what I like to call “ghost rimming”. Unless you are intentionally trying to drive your partner crazy with the plan of eventually delivering, ghost rimming is boring, pointless, and can sometimes drive people to violence. If you’re going to lick someone’s ass, don‘t hold back. Lick it!

Slow Motion
One way to go about it is slow yet strong licks combined with occasional laps and kisses to the cheeks. A good way to think of this one is that you are actually making out with your partner’s ass. This would be a much more sensual and/or romantic way to play out this rapturous form of foreplay.

Rimming in this way is much more vigorous and impassioned. Not only is the tongue involved but there is also additional action from the lips and jaw. This would be a truer act to define the phrase “ass eating” since that is the motion being simulated. While the extra pressure, vigor, and even grazing of the teeth are enormously stimulating, one should be careful not to actually bight down to harshly (unless that’s what your partner wants, that naughty vixen).

Tongue Fucking
This would be the most intense, firey, and raw form of analingus around. When the exterior of the anus is just not enough! As the name of this act would indicate, there is penetration with the tongue involved in this case, making the cleanliness factor all the more important since the licking has now gone “indoors”. Tongue fucking usually requires a firm spread of the ass cheeks as well as thrusting movements not just with the tongue but also with one’s entire head. For those out to win the gold with this one, be careful not to hurt your neck in the process.

There can obviously be blending of these core techniques. Working your way up from slow to ferocity. Moving sporadically from one motion to another. This is obviously up to you and your partner. The main point, obviously, is to have fun!


There are so many different positions and ways to get your face buried in someone’s salad, I can’t even list them all. Okay, I can but I don’t have that kind of time. So some of the more popular and fun ways to orally pound someone’s ass are below.

The receiving partner “sitting” on (or straddling) the other’s face, either facing forward or in a reverse cowgirl position. It is important to keep in mind that one should not literally sit, as in put all weight, on someone’s face. That can be uncomfortable, even painful, and potentially cause difficulty in breathing. If your partner wants you settled down more than you are, they’ll let you know by pulling your ass down onto their face. Best to let them make that call. This can also easily translate into a very fun form of Position 69.

Ass in the Air
The receiving partner either flat on their stomach, on all fours, or in a bowing position (think yoga) while the other enjoys the ass buffet.

Hamstring Stretch
The receiving partner laying on their back with their legs up, leaving a wide open target for their partner’s mouth. There are quite a few varieties to this one. The legs can be held by the partner delivering the rim or by the recipient. The legs can also be raised to varying degrees or rest on the “attacker‘s“ shoulders.

Upside Down Cake
The receiving partner would be 100% ass and legs in the air. This would leave either just the head and shoulders on the surface if they’re on their back, or possibly just the hands and/or head and chest (leaving the upper body in a push-up position) if things are flipped around depending on flexibility and strength.

So there you have it, my darlings! A brief schooling in the sacred art of analingus. I sincerely hope that many of you will come to know (or continue to know) all the glory that lays therein. The next time you’re in bed (or bathroom, living room, elevator, etc.) with someone and you find yourself with a scrumptious ass near your face, I want you to look at that hole, be a maverick, and lick away!

As a very wise person was once quoted to say, “Lastly, people of the world, do not deny yourselves butt hole pleasures. It’s not that icky back there. I promise.”

*All suggested items in this article, as well as the sexy writer, can be found at your friendly and reputable New York City Pleasure Chest.


Monday, December 29, 2008

The We-Vibe

For a long time the only toy out there for couples was a vibrating cock ring. Now don't get me wrong those can be fun, but you can't always convince a guy to put a cock ring on. I have used one and I wasn't that impressed with it. I prayed one day that the sex gods would produce a much better product and now they have. 
Ladies and bad boys I give you the We-Vibe. This is the first toy of its kind that can be worn during sex/love making/fucking/pounding.....you get the picture. It hugs the vagina just right giving great clitoral and g spot stimulation at the same time. It can be
 used alone or with a partner. 
Made of medical grade silicone, which is one of the best materials to make toys out of, it conforms nicely to a woman shape while she uses it. It's only about 3.25 inches long and about 1 inch wide. The size makes it great for travel or to just keep in your purse. I mean it is super quiet so if you want to slip in in while on the subway no one will know.  
Because it's such a high quality toy it's made with some fantastic features. Hands free, strap free, and wireless oh my. No remotes hanging off to the side or trying to hold it into place. I don't know about you but I need my man's hand free to do some spanking and hair pulling. It's also waterproof for endless hours of fun in the shower or rain. For those who are trying to go green you will enjoy that the We-Vibe is rechargeable, no batteries. 
Yes men you can have some fun with this too. Not only can you enjoy it while having sex with your lady but it works as a solo toy for you. Insert the internal piece in your anus and the external piece will massage your perineum. Have that in while getting some head.......heaven!
This needs to be the next toy in my collection. I want this thing so bad. I know a good toy from a bad one and what will last. This is one hell of a toy. My vagina deserves the best and this is what it needs. 


Friday, December 26, 2008

Getting My Name Out There.

First I'm sorry I have neglected writing this past week. However being home for the holidays doesn't leave much time. But I'm back and ready to give you sexy time! Plus I started my new tattoo, and it's the best thing ever.
But on a quick note I'm now a contributing reviewer for the Pleasurists. Head there and find my name to find my reviews. Woo who for self promotion. Next stop my own television show. I promise I'm a delight to watch and very entertaining. Just ask my roommate, she can't get enough of me. 


Friday, December 19, 2008

Cooking with Cum

Not sure what to get that professional cook friend of yours this holiday season. Well this is the perfect gift for anyone with an adventurous side. Natural Harvest-A Collection of Semen Based Recipes will be the perfect addition to their cookbook collection. Written by Paul  "Fotie" Photenhauer, who claims he is not a freak but just passionate about cooking with cum. He makes a pretty good case in his description of the book.

Semen is not only nutritious, but it also has a wonderful texture and amazing cooking properties. Like fine wine and cheeses, the taste of semen is complex and dynamic. Semen is inexpensive to produce and commonly available in many, if not most, homes and restaurants.  Despite all of these positive qualities, semen remains neglected as a food. This book hopes to change that. Once you overcome any initial hesitation, you will be surprised to learn how wonderful semen in the kitchen is. Semen is an exciting ingredient that can give every dish you make an interesting twist. If you are a passionate cook and are not afraid to experiment with new ingredients - you will love this cookbook!
I'm all for trying new things, but this is something I'm still undecided about. I'm not a semen connoisseur or anything but never once while having semen in my mouth have I thought "This would make a fantastic glaze for my chicken I'm making later." Plus semen never tastes the same, it varies from man to man. I wonder if this will affect how the dish you prepare tastes. I can see it now, "Honey I'm home and starting dinner. Now get in here and take off your pants. The recipe calls for 2 cups of your man milk." 
The recipes range from creamy cum crepes to tuna tartar. I am rather intrigued, I might have to try a few out and see if they actually taste good. But first I need a donor! Who's available? 


Thursday, December 18, 2008

Glass is My New Best Friend

I have just entered the world of glass sex toys and I'm loving every minute of it. I have always been curious about the glass ever since I started work at The Pleasure Chest. Everyone who I spoke to about it claimed it was one of the greatest things ever. After much consideration and wanting another toy to play with, I chose to indulge in glass. Of course I went with the best and got a piece from Phallix. Each piece is hand blown by an individual artist which makes them all one of a kind. 
I know what you must be thinking, is it safe? What happens if it breaks? That would be a fun trip to the hospital. Phallix pieces are made of medical grade pyrex; a brand of borosilicate glass that is more durable then regular "soft glass." It can withstand up to 3,000 lbs of pressure. My dear friend Kasey put this to the test and once threw a Phallix toy at a brick wall and it didn't break. Next test, my kegel muscles.
Another great point is that glass holds temperature 
rather well. It warms to your body heat or if you can't wait you can drop it in some hot water. For the adventurous you can also leave it in the freezer for a bit. But that just makes me think of the pole/tongue situation from "A Christmas Story" and I don't think my vagina can handle that. If you put plenty of lubricant on I'm sure you can avoid a reenactment of that scene. 
My first piece I bought for myself was the colorful twister in blue. I say first because I plan on buying many more of them. I went in with mixed feelings and came out satisfied with delight. It warmed up to the touch quick and the lubricant made it so slick it was great and slid right in. I couldn't put it down and I didn't for almost half an hour. I was surprised at
how pleasurable the hardness of it was, great for g spot. 
Being a completely non-porous toy it was so easy to clean. Just mild soap and hot water did the trick. It also happens to be dishwasher safe. Just don't let the kids empty the dishwasher or you may have to have a long talk later......
So go get yourself a glass toy today. They are so pretty you could leave them on the coffee table as art. I had a woman come into the store to buy a bunch of them because she was decorating her kitchen in art deco. Now that's a classy lady. 


Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Presidential Pleasure

Do you think our new president Obama is sexy and you would like nothing more then to have your way with him. Well now you can, and his wife will never know!
San Francisco based company Ozam Group LLC has come out with their first novelty item dedicated to our fearless leader. And you guessed it, they have created a dildo with the face of Obama on it. Called the "Head O State" it stands at 7.5" and almost 2" in diameter. If that is based on true facts, then Mrs. Obama is one lucky lady. It's made of phthalate-free TPR rubber and capable of going under water. Available in Democratic Blue or Presidential Gold he is sure to have a good time in your oval office. 
The shape of the dildo is perfect for you ladies out there to hit your 
g spot with ease. I wish you could do this with any person's face you wanted. If that were the case I would have me about 7 Jean Val Jean dildos, hell I would get me a doll. He can hang out when I not home with my roommate and keep her company. But that just means she would want a Henry Rollins doll to compete with mine. This could get interesting.
So if you want a close personal relationship with the president then order yours today!


Tuesday, December 16, 2008

E-cards for Every Occasion

This day in age who really talks face to face anymore. Which is sad because there is nothing that can replace human contact. (But my Gigi is doing a wonderful job at trying) However I do fall into the category that sometimes it's easier to say something over the phone, text or email. 
E-cards are one of the greatest things. Especially if you suddenly remember it's someone's birthday or anniversary and you didn't send them a card. There are e-cards for every occasion, and I do mean every occasion. 
There are about 15 million new STD cases every year. Most of the time people have no idea where they got it from because their partner or hookup was too scared to tell them. Well now you have no excuse for not telling them, all you need is an email.
Inspot created a program where you can anonymously send an e-card to someone to warn them they may have a STD and need to get tested. There is no way the receiver can trace who sent them the card. You can leave a personal note if you would like along with the e-card. 
Along with the cards the website offers you information on where you can get tested and STD facts.  Also provided are counseling programs and support groups to help you through. 
The e-cards do have a little humor to them to break the ice. However I was hoping for some dancing cartoon characters in the form of herpes and gonorrhea. It would be sad to learn you have an STD but be suddenly be cheered up from the fantastic little dance herpes is doing, I didn't know he could break dance like that. Or maybe a word search and the left over letters spell out what disease you have. 
In all seriousness to not tell someone they need to get tested is irresponsible. Now being able to tell someone anonymously you have no excuse.  For your own sake make you get tested every six months because there are still those idiots out there who will not think twice about not telling you they have a STD.  There are many free clinics out there for you to go to. I've been to them before and it's not that bad. Plus they play the most amazing movies about safe sex with fantastically bad acting. It's like health class all over again. 


Sunday, December 14, 2008

Sporty Girls Review

Check out my latest review at Rancho Carne. 


Friday, December 12, 2008

Help the Planet and Recycle Your Dildo.

Ever had a toy break down or dildo start to fall apart? (Hopefully from too much use) These days all sorts of companies are offering to recycle your old and broken products. The next big thing, recycle your sex toys
Dreamscapes LLC has started a company wide commitment to green. They pride them selves on being "dedicated to reducing waste and protecting our environment by providing a creative alternative got the disposal and recycling of used sex toys." 
So rather then throwing away your old toys or giving them to your neighborhood kids to play with as swords, why not do something good for your planet. They accept all toys; anything from dildos to vibrators to plugs. Don't worry about taking out the batteries because they will recycle those too. Simply put your cleaned toys in a zip-lock bag and send it off to the warehouse. Yes people clean your toys, not one wants to smell your sex juices except your significant other or perverts. All toys are disassembled and each part and material is sent to the proper place to recycle. 
Yes it's alright to shed a tear when you send off your old friend on to bigger and better things. Remember all the good times you have shared and all the late nights you spent together. Your were always there for one another. But your spirits will lift when you find out you get rewarded for your good actions. Dreamscapes will send you a $10 gift card to use on your next purchase
So say your goodbyes and help the planet by recycling your toys instead of just throwing them out. Think of the things they could use it for. However that makes me wonder what my new Tupperware containers are made of.


Thursday, December 11, 2008

Cuntourage Review

Check out my new review on Rancho Carne!


R.I.P. Bettie Page

Legendary pin-up queen Bettie Page died today in a Los Angeles hospital, she was 85 years old. Page was admitted on December 2 when she suffered a heart attack and was put on life support but never regained consciousness. Best know for her 1950's pin-up photos she helped bring on the sexual revolution in the 1960's. She was gorgeous and one of a kind. Bettie Page will always be remembered for her seductive curves and free spirit attitude. 

Come Back Jean Val Jean

My life changed the day I discovered porn star Jean Val Jean. He was not my type at all, but my god that body of his and devilish grin. Plus he penis looks fantastic and from what I see from his movies his oral skills are wonderful. I came upon him in a movie called Hush which is one of my favorites. After that I was on a mission to get all the movies I saw that he was in. I got a real good collection going. I even found a movie from Playgirl called "The Sexual Exploits of Jean Val Jean," I almost died. 
But then the horrible happened. I recently found out that Jean Val Jean has left the porn world. Yeah I'm not going to lie, I might of shed a tear or two. He was
 one of the best male performers out there by far. How could he do this to me and the women who love him. 
Apparently he wants to become a "real" actor and is now going by his birth name of Emmanuel Delcour. For awhile he was trying to keep his porn past a secret but like always it got out. He hasn't done any big mainstream movies, just a few independent ones here and there. I have decided to forgive him for departing porn and support his new dreams. But no one will ever be able to replace him in my heart as the best male porn star there ever was. For now I will just have to be satisfied with my other favorites; Scott Nails, Charles Dera, James Deen, and new comer Johnny Sins. To me Emmanuel will always be Jean Val Jean and one day I hope he realizes he belongs in porn and that he also needs to marry me. 


Wednesday, December 10, 2008

One Wild and Crazy Night Review

Check out my latest review on Rancho Carne.


Sunday, September 28, 2008

RanchoCarne.com Reviews Up!

A better part of my last two weeks have been spent watching porn - but it was for work, I swear! My Rancho Carne reviewing gig has been so much fun so far. My mom called the other day at about 9:30 AM to see what I was up to, and I loved being able to tell her I was watching porn. I did tell her it was for work, but at this point I could tell my mom I was hosting a midget orgy and she would just laugh at me. Well my first two reviews are up so please go check them out and support me. I get to keep every movie I review - I'm going to need a new book case at the rate I'm going!

Here's the link: http://www.ranchocarne.com/reviewer-profiles.php?tumblemeat=Lucy+Vonne

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

THIS does a body good?

Taking a daily vitamin is recommended by doctors. But what if you could get some of your vitamins in a much more exciting fun way? I'm talking about semen. While it can be a pain in the ass at some times (especially if it gets in your eyes), in the long run you could get some good benefits from it.

Have you ever wondered what it is made of. It's not all sperm, there are a lot of other components that makes up one's man milk. Such as; vitamin C which is very good for tissue maintenance, blood-group antigens that are good for the immune system, calcium, citric acid, DNA, fructose, Glycoproteins a cancer fighting agent, vitamin B12, zinc, and selenium which is another cancer fighting agent. The list goes on and on of what you find in semen. Don't worry ladies if you are on a diet, because there is only about 5-7 calories per teaspoon. Unless you drink a glass of semen a day, the nutrients found in it really won't do much for you if you only swallow once or twice a day. I guess I'm going to have to up my blow job quota for the month. Another good reason to swallow is you have less of a chance of developing preeclampsia; a high blood pressure disorder that can come with pregnancy.

But what if you don't want to swallow? Some guys like to watch it trickle down your chin or gracefully land on your breasts. Well that's good for you too. Semen contains a protein which can have a tightening effect on the skin. As the water evaporates the protein remains on the skin temporally stretching out fine wrinkles. All the natural substances in semen aid in skin repair and increase blood flow bring in more nutrients to the skin.

Retired porn star Lyn May is behind the company in Mexico producing a skin cream with semen as one of its main ingredients. She backs the claim that semen erases wrinkles and leaves the skin soft. I will not be buying this. First of all semen cream from Mexico, sounds a little sketchy. Plus I will just go out and find my own semen and mix it with my Neutrogena and Ta Da, Lucy Vonne's Man Milk Cream! I see an infomercial in my future.

A study done at the State University of New York at Albany is saying that there is a positive correlation between unprotected sex and lower depression rates. They are saying that semen contains components that relive stress and lower depression. The vagina absorbs the components and they can be detected in the bloodstream a few hours after sex. Now I'm not saying go out there and have a whole bunch of unprotected sex. However if you are with someone you trust and you just happen to get some of that wonderful semen in your vagina, bonus not only is your vagina happy it just had a penis in it but you will be happy too.

So ladies and some men don't be afraid of the semen, embrace it. Now if only I could convince guys that going down on a girl helps them gain muscles mass.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Lucy Vonne On: Talking About My Personal Life

I would like to make a moment and comment on how I go about talking about my personal life AKA sex and relationships.(In response to my roommate saying why she hadn't). If I were to use someone's name, I would always ask that person if they didn't mind. I would never embarrass someone or say mean things about anyone and use their real name in the process. Unless you screw me over, it's all down hill for you from there.

Lucky for me I'm currently allowed to talk about what goes on with Chris and I, because he doesn't mind. And on that note, he gave me multiple orgasms yesterday.

However, I will never get into all the details about the sex that we have or intimate things we might talk about. Even though I openly talk about sex, there are some things that I want to keep private between the two of us.....(most of the time my roommate knows too). So yes, I do have some morals that I will continue to live by day to day. Most likely you will get a few juicy details from time to time, but only when I feel its appropriate in response to what I am writing about; which could be soon because I have a few toys I want to try out on him and review.

I will tell you it's too bad my roommate doesn't talk about her sex life because do I know some stories about her, hehe.

Exxxotica Adventures!

This past weekend as you all know, I traveled to New Jersey for the Exxxotica New York convention. It was not as big as the one I went to in Miami a few years ago, but it was still pretty good. Of course it was packed with skeevy-looking men with all their posters and magazines for the stars to sign. There was even this one guy who had an extremely large binder with him just filled with signed pictures. That takes dedication, and a lot of lube. I didn't end up taking pictures this time, but I did get some really good autographs.

Best take-home was my Pirates 2: Stagnetti's Revenge poster I got signed. The first actress who signed it was Stoya, and she also signed one of my DVD covers. Stoya complimented me on my tattoo, her favorite part was the rubber duckie (thank you Ben Pease). She is adorable is person and hardly wears any makeup - you would never guess she is a porn star. She let me know that Sasha Grey was coming soon, who could also sign it.

Next in line was Jesse Jane. my roommate claims that Jesse's my porn alter ego. Jesse is so tiny and petite in person, but her breasts still stand out. Her husband Rick Patrick was there with her taking pictures. He towers over her, he must be almost 7 feet! She was also sweet and signed my Pirates 2 poster.

When Sasha Grey got there the line was so long and I did not want to wait in it again. Chris, my special man-friend who accompanied me, suggested I go over to the random guy waiting in line and sweetly ask if i could get in front of him just to get her autograph. Chris waited away from me or else it probably wouldn't of worked. I sweetly asked, and the man let me cut him in line. Let me just say I LOVE Sasha Grey. I would totally be her friend in real life even if she wasn't a porn star - she is wicked nice. I mentioned to her I was jealous she got to work with Charles Dera in Babysitters because it was one of my favorite scenes. She told me that she accidently hit him in the nuts when she was going down on him, but they didn't put that in the movie.

The one person who was in Pirates 2 I saw but didn't get to sign was Tommy Gunn. I should have just gone up to him and asked, but he was just walking around. His muscles are so big, and he is very tan. And just as I pictured it, his hair was so spiked up with gel. I just wanted to go over and touch it - his HAIR, people. Sick.

Bree Olsen also signed one of my DVD covers. For one freaky dirty girl, she is nothing like that in person. Super sweet and adorable. I think I would be friends with her too. I saw the guy with the binder in line for her autograph twice.

Teagan Presley was greedy. I understand charing money for movies and polariods with a star, but to charge for just an autograph. There is no need for that, but she was charging $5 for it. I still got her to sign my DVD cover. She was wearing a Tom Brady jersey today, so I will give her props for that. She asked me if my monroe piercing hurt because she always wanted to get one.

I only saw Stormy Daniels there today. She is a diva, but I still think she is probably pretty nice. I had her sign my Operation Desert Stormy DVD.

Other stars I saw were; Ron Jeremy (I was scared he would grab my boobs again), Savanna Samson, Gina Lynn, Sunny Leone, Kayden Kross, Hilary Scott, Joanna Angel (she is shorter then me), Hanna Hilton (not pretty in person), Gianna, Sunny Lane, Lexxi Tyler (Chris thinks she is a man), Arianna Armani, Morgan Dayne, Mckenzee Miles, Gianna Lynn, Audrey Bitoni, Roxy Deville, Flower Tucci, Taylor Wane, Travis Knight, Penny Flame, and a whole lot of ugly girls who should have no been half naked.

Not as many vendors as I was hoping for, or free samples - that's usually the greatest part of the whole thing. Overall, I did have a really good time, although I was very sad that neither Jean Val Jean or Scott Nails were there. You've got to have someone there for the ladies, and if they do this again next year I better see them there. Or I'm writing a mean letter. Now I have to get my Pirates 2 poster framed!!

Monday, September 8, 2008

Lucy Vonne On: Exxxotica Here I "Come"!!!

Thank god this whole matter has been resolved. http://avn.com/video/articles/32154.html They have just decided to move the venue to another convention center. So with this being resolved I bought tickets for Chris and I to have a sex filled weekend, and also go to the convention. Now I just have to find a hotel for Saturday night, because we are doing it up right this weekend. My mom told me to have fun and to watch out for Ron Jeremy grabbing my boobs again. If you are curious to what happened last time I went to this convention take a look at my pictures on facebook. http://www.new.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2010107&id=13001164

Lucy Vonne On: Mayor Simmah Down!!!

This coming weekend is the Exxxotica NYC, which I plan on attending. I have been to the Miami one before with my roommate where we were both fondled by Ron Jeremy (my mom told me to get tested). Today while browsing the news on AVN I came across this: http://avn.com/video/articles/32142.html . Ok mayor, you need to simmah down now!!! Who does he think he is - the mayor?? Does he want to crush my dreams of the slight chance Jean Val Jean will show up and I orgasm from the sight of him?? I will be pissed if he shuts it down. I will keep you posted.

UPDATE: Exxxotica has made a statement and are not going down easy: http://www.exxxoticany.com/pdf/X08NY_Statement.pdf

Mayor: City Will Take Legal Action to Shut Down Exxxotica NY

By David Sullivan

SECAUCUS, N.J. - Mayor Dennis Elwell has announced that he intends to stop the Exxxotica NY show from taking place this coming weekend at the Meadowlands Expo Center.

According to NJ.com, the city plans to use zoning laws to shut down the three-day adult consumer expo.

"A pornographic convention where alcohol is served in violation of state law and at a facility adjacent to a nursery school and playground is not the sort of atmosphere I'll allow in Secaucus," Elwell said in a statement to the press.

Elwell and other city officials have called a press conference to address the situation Monday at noon at the Harmony Early Learning Center in Secaucus.

Many of the adult industry's biggest stars, studios and vendors are scheduled to attend Exxxotica NY, which is produced by Philadelphia-based Victory Tradeshow Management and sponsored by HotMovies.com.

AVN contacted Exxxotica organizer J. Handy, who provided the following statement:
“Victory Tradeshow Management has been made aware of the present situation surrounding our upcoming Exxxotica New York show to be held at the Meadowlands Expo Center in Secaucus, New Jersey, September 12th through the 14th. We were notified that the owners and/or representatives of the Meadowlands Expo Center have been given notice of an intended hearing. Local officials are opposing the event and are seeking legal avenues in a last-minute attempt to block the show.

"Our attorneys are in contact with the parties involved to make sure that Exxxotica New York complies with all applicable with all state and local laws, and any and all measures are being taken to make sure that the event takes place as scheduled. This consumer show is only accessible by those 18 years of age and older, and all exhibits are on the convention floor. We will keep updates as they become available on our corporate website, www.vtshows.com.”

The NJ.com report states that according to Elwell, one of the exhibits at the convention is called "violent dehumanization." That description came from a blurb for Joanna Angel's "Strip for Pain" show, which referenced "tongue-in0cheek violent dehumanization"; the event is no longer advertised on the Exxxotica NY site.

Victory Tradeshow Management has produced four successful Exxxotica conventions in Miami Beach since launching the event in 2005. This year's Miami Beach show drew a reported 22,000 attendees.

First announced in June, the Meadowlands event is the first Exxxotica convention to be promoted in the NY/NJ area.

Publish Date: 2008-09-07 16:49:48

Saturday, September 6, 2008

The Layaspot

While I love my Lelo Gigi, not everyone is so keen on shelling out over $100 for a vibrator. So, if you are living on a budget the next best thing you can get for your clitoris is the Layaspot by the German company Fun Factory. Along with Lelo, Fun Factory is a company I always recommend to people. Not only do they have great design and motors, they are not super pricey. Plus, they come in all sorts of shapes and fun colors.

While the Layaspot only comes in one shape, it is available in at least 5 or 6 different colors, and they're always coming out with new color combos. One of the great things about the Layaspot is it is curved to fit with a woman's body, and fits perfectly in the palm of your hand. And don't feel left out fellas - because of the curve in shape you can put it at the base of your testicles too. It's great if a lady wants to hold it there while giving you oral pleasure.

There are about 5 speeds that start out hardly vibing to super strong. When you hit the top speed, you can hold down the button to get vibration patterns, kind of like morse code for the vagina. The one downside is that the pulsations are only available at the top speed. It is made of medical-grade silicone, which is the best possible material for a toy to be made of. However, because of that, if you use lubricant you must make sure it's water based. The Layaspot also happens to be water resistant, so take that baby into the shower. Fun Factory even has a 6 month warranty on their toys, so just in case you vagina burns it out in under that time, you can get another one. This is a great quality toy that if taken care of properly it will last you a good few years.

Friday, September 5, 2008

Lucy Vonne On: The Verizon Man Saw Me Naked and Other Life Updates

Awhile back it was mentioned that I was to be on the Tyra Banks show. Well, much to the dismay of the general public, this is no longer so. The topic of the show was to be all about sex, but the producers called last minute and said that they were changing the topic, and if I was in the mood for a makeover I could still be on the show. I turned them down because I'm pretty sweet already, so there isn't much room for improvement, haha. They did say that they would keep me on file for when the topic comes back up again, so hopefully that happens. In the end it was fine, because I was able to fly to Florida with my mom and Lily (my lil' sis) to bring Lily to the University of Tampa where she is going to college. I'm so proud of her.

I have a new gig, and it deals with porn. Starting this week I will be a reviewer of porn for the website RanchoCarne.com. They enjoyed my Happy Blogtime blogging so much they thought I would be a good fit - and the greatest part is that I get free porn!!!!!! Now my time will be consumed with porn viewing, not very different from what it already is. I'm awaiting my first shipment of movies and will update you all on my reviews and where to find them.

And lastly, I think the Verizon man saw me naked. Let me explain. I drop my phone a lot and after dropping it last night, the audio stopped working. So I brought it to the Verizon store this morning hoping they could fix it. They couldn't, so I had to get a new phone. They transfered all my numbers, and I asked if they could transfer my photos and videos. And the minute I said that I though 'Oh Shit.' You see, I have a nice collection of x-rated photos and videos on my phone that I have sent to Chris in the past and have yet to delete. And with my luck while they transfer everything it would probably pop up on the screen. Thankfully the guy didn't pay attention to the phone as the data was transferring, and I thought I was in the clear. He gave me back my phone and with a smile on his face said he even put my old background picture up for me. Well, in order to get that background picture he would have had to go into my pictures and choose it. Which would mean scrolling through the pictures of me not covering up my parts. Meaning the Verizon guy saw me naked. Now I know what he was smiling about.

Friday, August 29, 2008

The Lelo Iris

One can never have too many sex toys. I mean really, do you wear the same pair of shoes every day? No, so why should you play with the same toys all the time - unless you are in love with your toy, its always good to try new things.

Awhile ago I decided it was time for me to get a new toy. Don't get me wrong, I love my Gigi - I still use it all the time. However, Lelo has a much larger and stronger internal toy that I really wanted. I knew I had to get it when it arrived in a new color of rose. It's called the Iris and in my opinion its the strongest internal toy that we have at The Pleasure Chest. When ladies say they want some power between their legs I give them the Iris.

I'm not exactly sure how many speeds it has because I always turn it to the highest, but i know its around five. And like the Gigi, you can use the vibration patterns at any speed. The fantastic thing about the Iris is that it has two motors which give off two main "pleasure points," as Lelo likes to call it. And when you put the last vibration pattern on, it's like a tidal wave motion of delight, also extremely quiet and no batteries needed.

At this point I have more chargers for vibrators than I do cell phones. To be honest, I have never orgasmed from the Iris alone, but I have never had an internal orgasm from masturbation, only sex. What can I say, my vagina knows what it likes, and it prefers a penis. My clitoris, on the other hand, love the vibes, bring on the toys! That's not to say that the Iris is not truly enjoyable - I do use it a lot. Sometimes if I want to be all charged up I use both toys at the same time. The Iris has a slight curve to it so if you maneuver it just right you can hit the G-spot with it. I don't think I would use this for play during sex because it is on the larger side, unless my man friend was all about me and was just using that on me. But for external stimulation I will stick to my Gigi for now as opposed to using the Iris.

Lucy Vonne and Gigi BFFs!!!! If you want a fantastic internal toy thats going to last you for years and will never let you down then come see me at The Pleasure Chest and get yourself an Iris. You won't be sorry.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Lucy Vonne On: Food for Erection

There are always new foods and diets we are being told to consume to keep us healthy. Well, now there is a list of food a man can eat to give him a powerful erection - a superhero erection even - but don't be sad if its only a sidekick erection, not everyone can be Batman. But Batman, if you are reading this please contact my roommate, she wants to have your babies.

Men (and desperate women), your next list of groceries can be found in this article from Men's Health: http://health.msn.com/health-topics/sexual-health/mens-sexual-health/articlepage.aspx?cp-documentid=100213219&GT1=31028

Friday, August 22, 2008

When I Think About Me...

If people didn't masturbate, I would be out of a job. Lucky for me, a lot of people do it. Hell, I masturbate at least 5 days a week, I can't help it, it's just so wonderful. I wasn't always so gung-ho about masturbating. I never really did it until about a year ago - now I can't stop. And I'm here to tell you there is nothing wrong with a little masturbation; it's actually been proven to be very good for your health.

Back in the day, it was said that masturbation was harmful and wrong. Men were made to believe it would lead them to disease or disorder because of the loss of semen. Women were told with the loss of vaginal fluid they were at a risk for hysteria, jaundice and epileptic fits. And I'm not dead yet, so this can't be true.

A recent survey found that the more frequently a man masturbates between the ages of 20 and 50, the less likely they are to get prostrate cancer. It helps build his resistance to prostrate gland infection, which makes for a much healthier and happier prostrate - and who doesn't want a healthy prostrate, really. Masturbation will also improve his immune system's function.

ALERT: Men reading, if you're pussies about a lady's time of the month, do not read the following paragraph. You've been warned.

Ladies, bust out those vibrators because its good for you, too. It builds up your resistance to yeast infections which are like hell in your panties - it's great to do when Aunt Flow comes to town too. It combats pre-menstrual tension and other physical conditions associated with your period, like cramps, and relieves painful menstruation by increasing blood flow to the pelvic region. This reduces pelvic cramping and related back aches. Don't worry, this doesn't mean your vagina turns into the Hoover Dam. Double-clicking the mouse, ladies, can also relive chronic back pain and increases your threshold for pain.

There are things that benefit both sexes. Masturbation is the safest kind of sex, free of STD's (I still prefer the sex). It's a great stress reliever and mood booster, releasing endorphins - which would explain why I'm so chipper today. Flicking the bean/tugging the lure can also be a natural sleep sedative, and helps for building stringer pelvic floor muscles, which can lead to better sex.

Combined with my Wii hula hooping, I have the pelvic muscles of a sexual super-hero. Best of all, it's a natural pick me up, because it can relieve depression stress and lead to a higher sense of self worth. Masturbation isn't just for single people, its great for couples too.

A few more reasons why you should start loving yourself:
  • It can be empowering, especially by helping you to feel better about your body's sexual response. You can figure out how to give yourself the most amazing intense orgasms ever, which you will then know how to recreate with that someone special.
  • It will increase your sexual awareness, letting you know what really turns you on (boys with tattoos). The sensations and movements that work best to give you fantastic sexual gratification.
  • It has the potential to enhance your sex life in general, boosting your sexual confidence and turing you into a better lover. Some professionals consider it to function as a cardiovascular workout. Now you know what that dark room at the gym is for.
  • It can even lower blood pressure.
Wow, masturbation is wonderful. I might have to start doing it two times a day. And on that note, where's that Lelo Gigi of mine?

Friday, August 15, 2008

The Monkey Rocker

There is one toy in our store that constantly gets people freaking out and coming in just to see it. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the Monkey Rocker. Imagine the rocking chair you mother used to rock you in when you were a baby. Then, take away the back and put a dildo on it, and you've got yourself the Monkey Rocker.

This machine is for the true sex toy collector and user. Weighing only 25 pounds, you can carry it home right out of the store. There are a couple of different versions; there is the original one which is only $800. If you want to get fancy and really show off, you can get customized ones - which is really just picking different colors and paint finishes, or having it look like it was carved out of wood. Those will only cost you around $3,000.

I was sad to find out that customizing did not mean I could bedazzle it with my name and unicorns, but that's always something I can do myself at home. The Monkey Rocker is made mostly of a special medium density fiberboard called perma core. Its made from 100% recovered and recycled wood fiber. So, not only good for the vagina, but also the environment.

This machine isn't only for women; men can use it too. The ones I have sold at the store I have actually sold to men. Not only is it great for masturbating, but it's also a great ab workout. Sometimes if I didn't play enough Nintendo Wii that day I will work my abs on it at work. But since I have my pants on at work, the dildo just pokes at my vaginal area which is still a little enjoyable. It's pretty durable too, considering I have actually stood on it like a surfboard and rocked back and forth. I almost fell off so I figured I should probably not do that anymore.

It comes with an attachable dildo, but you can use any one you want. It is capable of using a Vac-U-Lock dildo or the Monkey Rocker comes with an O-ring to attach a regular dildo or your choice. If i had one at home I would keep it in my living room and decorate it with Christmas lights for the holiday. Although, my roommate is Jewish, so maybe I could also put a menorah on it. You know, for spiritual equality.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Lucy Vonne On: Wii Teaching Me Man-Riding Skills

Recently I purchased a Nintendo Wii, which has taken over my and my roommate's world. This past Tuesday, I took my addiction to a whole new level when I got to the Nintendo World store 2 hours before it opened to wait in line to buy Wii Fit. Well, I got one, and have only made the addiction worse.

Which brings me to why I'm writing this blog. One of the aerobic exercises you can do with the Fit console is hula hooping. Not to brag or anything but I was quite the hula hooper back in the day - it really is a great work out. So today when I was standing on my Wii board moving my hips around in circles it made me think of another activity. This is an amazing way to perfect your man-riding skills. Seriously, I was pretty much doing the exact same thing on this board that I was doing on Chris last week. And it's a really good workout, I was really wet when I was done. Not that kind of wet, you pervs - I was pretty sweaty. So needless to say I started thinking dirty thoughts as I was trying to catch hula hoops on my Wii. My carefree days of hula hooping are over. Because now every time I start moving my hips I'm going to start thinking obscenities. You know our friendship was meant to be when my roommate came up with the same conclusion.

Hitachi Magic Wand

Ever witness someone getting turned on by the sound of a jack hammer? Well, then that person must own a Hitachi Magic Wand. It's been around for ever and became popular again when seen in Sex and the City, when Samantha tried to return it to the Sharper Image. Truth is that it really is a back massager - that's what it was originally made for. However, soon alternative uses for the Hitachi were found.

So many people come in the store and claim "hey, my mom has that.....wait a minute" and then they get grossed out. The Hitachi had two speeds, low and high. The low speed is still pretty intense, but some women need vibrations similar to a jack hammer, apparently. It's also really noisy, so your neighbors would have a pretty good idea what you are up to. There are no batteries and it plugs into the wall, so you can't walk around with it. Over the past few years sex toy companies have begun making attachments for the Hitachi. Because on its own you can only use it for clitoral stimulation, unless your vagina is the size of a soda can, it's not going up there. Companies such as Vixen and Nexus have created a few attachments to make your favorite toy internal fun. I love this thing, I use it all the time at work. Not on my clit (unless I'm alone in the store hehe) I use it on my back and neck - which is really the reason I want it. It does wonders on my sore muscles from playing too much Nintendo Wii.


Sunday, August 3, 2008

Lucy Vonne On: Balls

Last night was rather uneventful at work, until, at one point, an older gentleman came in wearing very short shorts. And no man should don shorts of that length unless you are stripping for me.

He wandered around the store looking at things. I noticed peripherally that he was bending down to check out the fake vaginas, and when I turned to respond to him asking the price of an item, I saw balls. The gentleman was squatting with his legs open and his junk just hanging out the side. Oh, and by the way, it was adorned with a lovely gold hoop. I answered his questions and tried to get the image out of my head, but he continued to ask me more questions, each time squatting in a new part of the store. I then had the image of old man balls in my head for the rest of the night. Not pretty.

Friday, August 1, 2008

My Dirty Mind

People are always asking me about why I’m so interested in the sex industry. What makes a young girl want to get into that type of work? Well, what makes someone want to teach or play sports? It's because they love what they do.

Well, mom and dad, what can I say - I love sex. I’m fascinated with everything that has to do with it; I have no problem whatsoever talking about anything to do with it. You want to know how much I masturbate, pull up a chair and we’ll chat. You want to talk about the fantastic sex I had this month; I’ll give detail (I’m talking multiple orgasms good). I’m not afraid to say I love sex. I talk about sex all day long, even if I’m not at work. I have a dirty mind, I can’t help it. I say penis and vagina more in one hour than you probably say all week.

My mom tells people she should have seen this coming. Joan (my mom) likes to relay the naked Barbie story to everyone. When I was younger she over heard me playing with my Barbies one day, and what she heard was Barbie telling Ken she needed to put clothes on, to which Ken replied “you look alright to me Barbie.” Joan says it now all makes sense.

My Barbies were constantly naked clanking against one another as I made them have Barbie sex. I once found a Hustler Magazine when I was babysitting at the age of 10 and was so fascinated by it. And when the kids went to bed I would read them. This was also the house I discovered the Spice Channel at. Good stuff.

Because of what I do for a living, sex is part of my every day. And that is not to say I’m desensitized by it at all, but I’m comfortable with what I want, how I want it and how often I want it.

I watch a lot of porn; it sits next to my Disney movies on my shelf. Sometimes I put it on just because. Not because I want to get really turned on and masturbate but because I just feel like watching porn. Aren’t there days where you just want to watch a horror movie? It’s like that.

Sexuality is nothing to be afraid of or ashamed of. Everybody does it, so why not talk about it? So many people come into the store and whisper or turn bright red when they are talking to me. Society has made them feel that sex is not to be talked about - keep everything behind closed doors. For some people that works for them, and I have nothing against them. But that’s not how I function.

Now, not everything about me has to do with sex. I’m addicted to my new Nintendo Wii, I read Harry Potter, I bake cookies, I like to buy shoes, etc. Guys tend to think that because of how I am that I will gladly jump into bed with them, but that’s not the case at all. I don’t go around sleeping with whatever I can find; I’m a one-guy type of girl. I like having that special someone.

I will always talk a lot about sex. And if you can’t handle it, then don’t talk to me. I am not going to censor who I am.

My family still loves me dirty mind and all, so you should to. And if you don’t, well, I really don’t give a shit.

Sunday, July 27, 2008

So Fresh and So Clean, Clean.

Vaginal douching is something that has been around for years. This is when a woman rinses her vagina with water or other solutions to flush out discharge or other contents. Many women are under the assumption that this is perfectly normal and a great way to keep the vagina healthy and free of disease. However, they are incredibly wrong. Pretty much all doctors will tell you that vaginal douching does much more harm then any good. When you douche, you change the chemical balance of the vagina, which makes your more susceptible to infection and disease. Most of the time it will introduce new bacteria into the vagina that can spread up into the ovaries and fallopian tubes. That can be very dangerous.

There are a couple common reasons why a woman feels she must douche. 1) After sex to prevent pregnancy or disease. However, it will not reduced pregnancy risk and makes your more susceptible to STDs. 2) To reduce odor, however every vagina has a mild odor, which is healthy. If it seems worse one should visit the doctor, because douching will just make it worse. Regular douchers face a 73% greater risk of developing bacterial vaginois or pelvis inflammatory disease, which is a chronic condition and can lead to infertility or even death.

The safest way to clean your vagina is to let it clean it self. It naturally produces mucous for that reason. Besides, do you really want your vagina smelling of tropical rain or summer blossom? I personally don't want people thinking I have flowers hidden away up there.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Stamina-RX Energy Drink

Those of you who know me, know that I am very big on energy drinks. So when I spotted the giant case of Sex-on-the Beach energy drinks downstairs at work, I got very excited. Finally today I had one. They are made by the company Stamina-Rx who also make a similar product in pill form.

I was very skeptical whether or not it would work. I mean, I'm not a man with a penis that it can easily erect, so I wondered how this was going to get me going sexually. Would it make my vagina all tingly? Would it make me want to attack every man I saw? And even if it does, would it be that much of a difference, because, lets face it, I am always in the mood. I debated drinking it at work, but I figured why not - I didn't think it would work. The flavor was Sex on the Beach, nice. It tasted like carbonated Hawaiian Punch, it was rather delicious. Reminded me of my childhood, in a strange way. Plus it has so sugar and no calories, good for dieters.

I drank it in a matter of ten minutes. At first I felt perfectly fine, and then I started feeling warm. I got that really flushed feeling and could feel my cheeks getting red. I started feeling really giddy and wanted to run around in circles. I did start jumping up and down and dancing to the music playing at the shop. My pupils got really dilated and everything looked brighter and a little bit fuzzy at times. Michelle, who I was working with, was basically laughing the whole time because I had a huge grin on my face and was talking rather quickly. I even contemplated taking the cone downstairs with me on my break.

Overall, I enjoyed my time on the sex drink. The sexy feeling lasted about 3 hours, but 6 hours later and I'm still going strong with energy. My roommate thinks I'm on crack right now, but I'm not - I swear, just sex juice. This drink should not be consumed while alone, unless you are ready to pleasure yourself. I brought a few home for next time I have my man-friend over. I actually told him if he was here I would be taking advantage of him sexually. I don't think he seemed to think that would be an issue. Unfortunately, I don't think we will be selling the drink at work, unless I can convince my manager it is a worthwhile investment. I bet I could sell people on it. Heck, if I can talk a little old lady into anal beads then I'm sure I can sell a few fantastically wonderful sex-charged energy drinks.

Friday, July 11, 2008

My Favorite Customer

After working for awhile in retail, you learn to read certain customers. Will they be a pain in the ass and ask you stupid questions, or will they take you seriously? I can also tell my favorite customers when they walk in. It's the much older rich man and his cute and bubbly young girlfriend who is ready to spend his money - I can spot them from a mile away. She grabs a basket and starts throwing stuff in and he follows like a puppy dog around the store.

Typically, they will ask what's new and fun in the store. Knowing my audience I go straight for the good stuff in the glass case and see what I can sell them. Now, I'm not a douche, so I don't just try to pawn crap off on them. I sell them the good quality products that just happen to be the more expensive ones in the store. So the girl will usually squeal with delight and the guy says ok. They continue to walk around the store handing me box after box, sometimes not even looking at what they are buying. They don't even bother looking at prices, if they like it they get it.

Usually everything that these couples pick out is for the woman, or the both of them to use together. Sometimes, you can get the guy to buy a prostrate toy, but only once in awhile. Things that they will typically buy are loads of lube and condoms, some type of whip or paddle, vibrating cock rings, handcuffs, under the bed restraints, some type of clitoral vibrator or an internal vibrator. They tend to get a little of everything. Lots of times they are making out and touching each other the whole time, sometimes it's not so pretty.

When they are done it takes about ten minutes to ring them up. Battery testing all the toys, explaining how to clean and take care of them. My favorite part is the total, hehe. Typically they will spend anywhere from $400 to $1,000. And since I do get commission this makes me very happy. I can't wait for the day when I can walk into a sex store and buy whatever the hell I want without worrying about price. But at the rate that I'm going, I'll already own a whole bunch of toys that I won't need much.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

The Butterfly

I have yet to purchase a dual vibrator. If you're not familiar, a dual vibrator has an internal vaginal piece and a external clitoral stimulator. Ever heard of the Rabbit? Of course you have - everyone has, thanks to good ol' Sex and the City. However, that's not the one I always recommend. Sometimes, a woman needs more then the Rabbit has to offer. When that happens, I go straight for the Butterfly, made by the company Vibratex, who also created the Rabbit. When I demonstrate the Butterfly in the store to customers, they usually either get scared or the braver/smarter ones walk out the door with it. The Butterfly is made of 100% elastomer and is phthalate free. Elastomer is one of the safest materials sex toys are made of these days, and it's also hypoallergenic.

Now to how the Butterfly does its thang. The head is a round sphere with small ridges that can hit a woman's G-spot. Down the shaft are three rows of pearls that stimulate the vaginal wall and cervix. The pearls are on a track, which keeps them continually moving. Sometimes the free-flowing ones don't move as well when your muscles tense up. The best part about the shaft is that it lights up with a few different colors. I pretend its a glow stick at work when the good techno songs come on. But for those of you at home its like a fun night light.

The clitoral stimulator is the best part. Its a rather large-sized butterfly (hence the name) and looks like its on crack. That thing waves its little wings and vibrates with a whole lot of power, and it actually contains its own bullet. I have gotten lots of satisfied reviews from many women who have bought this, and this is what I plan on buying next. I've seen and tested pretty much all of the dual ones out there, and by far the Butterfly is the one I want. Hey, my vagina deserves the best and I intend to have it.

Sunday, June 29, 2008

Lucy Vonne On: Strange People Touching Me

I always have a lot to say. So I figured with my roommate being on her death bed, high on life (or whatever it is the doctor gave her) I thought I would give you a little outlook on my thoughts. Granted, I don't have my roommate's wit or big bosom but I will do my best to fill her bra.

Anyways, lately I have been feeling like a pregnant woman - let me explain. I have a whole lotta tattoos that appear all over me. The biggest and most noticeable is my sleeve that is almost finished, by the talented Ben Pease at Pino Bros Ink in the Boston area...I do get a lot of comments and questions about it, which I don't mind at all. However, when people feel they have the right or need to grab and touch and feel my arm then I have a problem.

Just the other day I was at work and went over to a man and asked if he needed any help in the cock ring section. All he said was "wow!" and then proceeded to rub the top part of my arm for a good 30 seconds. Bewildered, I looked at him, then to my arm, then back to him (in a 'WTF are you doing' kind of way) while he continued to feel up my anchor tattoo. I'm just glad I don't have a chest piece he was fond of.

And today, while going to the subway, some guy decided to stop me and turn my arm back and forth while he looked and described it to me. Thanks, sir, but I am aware of what is permanently inked on my arm. No need for you to tell me what each thing is. And so it is, at least a few times a week I am grabbed and my arm gets felt up. One of these days I may smack them, unless you are a cute boy I can make an exception. This is why I feel like a pregnant woman who gets strangers placing their hands on her belly all day. So for the record, if you like my tattoos just tell me, STOP TOUCHING ME!


Saturday, June 28, 2008


The great thing about working at a sex store is all the wonderful information I have gained - not only about toys, but also lubes and stimulants. Things I would have never know about if I had not worked there.

From the time I can remember, there have been so many products for men to improve sexual performance. We see ads everywhere from television to magazines, even presidential candidates have talked about it. But when it comes to the women, until I started work at the Chest, I had never really heard of anything for us. The product I have come to enjoy and find useful is Orgazyme. This is a wonderful clitorial cream one may to use to enhance their sexual experience. Orgazyme is made of completely natural products that won't harm even a sensitive girl. It causes more and quicker blood flow to the clitoris, which in turn makes you much more sensitive down there. This happens by helping the body produce more nitric oxide, which is the main cause of a clitoral erection. The nitric oxide helps relax the muscles in the sex organs allowing the blood to flow more frequently, and it actually makes you more sensitive all around the vaginal area.

Orgasms can happen more frequently and they are much more intense. Sometimes it takes a while for it to get sensitive, this just speeds it up a little and makes it wonderful down there. It was like tiny fireworks for a tiny party happening in my vagina. And hey, who doesn't love a party.

And on another note, my quest for Jean Val Jean still continues. If you or anyone know of his whereabouts please let me know - email me at Lucyvonne11@gmail.com. You can also use this email if you would like to ask me any sex questions to be answered during the next Sexy Time.


Friday, June 20, 2008

X-Rated Anniversaries

We are currently smack-dab in the middle of wedding season, and as we all hope, the weddings of today bring the anniversaries of tomorrow. Traditionally, there are milestones when it comes to an anniversary and the particular gifts you should buy. They can be kind of boring, so I’m here to offer a few suggestions on how to spice 'em up with a little x-rated fun - click "Read More!"

1 year: Paper
Now, unless you are rather crafty and can make a vagina out of origami, I would suggest a book. There are dozens of sex books out there with all different types of subjects. Perhaps you want to explore the kama sutra or tantric. If bondage interests you, maybe something on that. And for your sake, I hope the book isn’t about how to do things correctly because hopefully that will have been taken care of before the “I do."

2 years: Cotton
This is a pretty easy one; pick yourself up a sexy nighty or underwear. Or if you want to give them mini orgasms then get them a box of q-tips. I swear that’s the best part about getting ready in the morning. Q-tips are like tiny penises and my ear a little vagina, I love it. Does this make me strange?

3 years: Leather
Depending on how far you want to take it, there are many options for you here. If you want to start small, maybe a leather paddle or dog collar and leash. If you really want to get freaky, get a whole leather suit with a mask and everything.

4 years: Fruit/Flowers
Flowers don’t have much of a sexual draw to them, although they do make vibrators shaped as flowers. So I would stick to the fruit side of this one. First off, start with some flavored lube. My favorite is Systems JO because they have no artificial flavorings and taste great. Back in the day people used to put cucumbers and bananas in their naughty places. So why not be old school? Don’t forget to wash them before the dinner party though.

5 years: Wood
If you're cheap, just give them your hard penis. However, these days the toy business is getting more eco-friendly. Sex toys are now being made from wood. Using wood such as cherry and oak, they are crafted into a life-long toy, coated with a food-safe varnish so there is no need to worry about splinters.

10 years: Tin
First of all, you should not have a toy made of tin because it will rust. But at work we do sell kits in tin boxes packed with vibrators, candles, rings - quick and simple. You can get one ready-made or make your own.

15 years: Crystal
Believe it or not we have a pearl crystal dildo at the store. Crafted by Phallix, the glass company, this toy is beautiful enough to put on your coffee table. No lie, I had a woman buy a bunch for the sole purpose of decorating her new kitchen.

20 years: China
This is more of a make-your-own. Take some really creative sexy pictures of yourself, then casually bring them to your local CVS and get them to put it on a mug or a plate. You could even get a whole place setting. Be cautious you don’t serve a snack to your parents on your spread-eagle plate.

25 years: Silver
The classic silver bullet would work well with this anniversary. While it's not really made of silver, it gets the theme across. If you really want to bump it up a notch get the Jimmy Jane Little Platinum. Not silver but same color. This nifty little vibe is virtually silent and has a replaceable motor. It will last you a lifetime, because you won't, and let's face it, you've got to get the job done.

30 years: Pearl
For the man on a budget a classical "pearl necklace" will do. I’m not talking about the one you get in a store but the much stickier one. I hear it’s very good for the skin, lots of protein. Another classic is the pearl thong. While the woman walks the pearls, rub back and forth on the clit, which provides much enjoyment.

40 years: Ruby
Rubies haven't quite made it to sex toys yet, but I did find a fantastical substitution. The Xandria Collection makes a ruby red glitter dildo. It’s 8 inches long with a suction cup on the base to stick it anywhere. Put it on the wall, floor, and bathtub - anywhere you can stick it. I’m so tempted to buy it for my mom because of her love of the Wizard of Oz. Although, I’m not too sure about her love for giant dildos, so I'm going to wait on that one.

50 years: Gold
When it comes to gold, you must get the real thing. Remember what happens to your finger when there is a fake gold ring on it, the green mark it leaves? I’m going to guess you don’t want that happening down there. My favorite company Lelo makes a fabulous 18k gold-plated clitoral vibrator. This beauty is called the Yva and will set you back about $1,500.00. It’s so pretty you're going to want to take it out every time company comes over and show it off.

60 years: Diamond
I always tell people that if the toy is something you really want and will get a lot of use out of, why not invest in something really good? Stop dicking (hehe) around with the beginner’s toys and get the good stuff. Mi-Su sex toys are a very high-end company brining you top-of-the-line toys made with excellent materials. I bet you want your penis to have some bling, well with this, the diamond cock ring, they make your penis the envy of all the other ones. You can even get it engraved. Although I don’t really know what you would engrave a cock ring with.

Well there you have it folks, x-rated fun for every anniversary. Don’t forget the card.


Thursday, June 5, 2008

Sexy Time with Lucy Vonne: The Cone

The Cone is the toy that always stops people in their tracks. They stop and stare, do the little head tilt and try really hard to figure it out. They look at their friends to see if they have any idea and they usually make the remark of, "I hope that doesn't get inserted!"

You see, to them it's a giant light pink cone sitting there amongst a bunch of sex toys. But to those who know its true purpose knows it does a great deal more than just sit there. I mean, yes, it sits there, but you can put in on the wall if you want. The cone is like the washing machine back in the day, to where lonely housewives found ways to make laundry much more fun. (Yes this is why you may catch your mom sitting on the washer.) It is a mounting device, you wrap your legs around it. This toy is not only for the ladies, thats right gentleman you can join in on the fun.

It has 16 different vibration programs for you to climax to. If you are impatient, hit the second button and it takes you right to the orgasm program. And it's totally hands-free. Don't worry if you have no idea what to do with it at first, because The Cone comes with a sheet illustrating allll different positions that you can try. My favorite is the one of the man sitting on it reading the paper - he does seem to be enjoying it! Heck, I would break mine out for long car rides, bring it on the plane, just to make the time go by faster. However, for such a fantastic toy, I have yet to sell one at work. But when I do, they are getting a high five! And an invite on my next road trip.